I was at a diner today, and I while I was intently trying to find the meaning for my existence at the bottom of a cup of coffee, I overheard the strangest thing. “Do you have frosted flakes?” the young woman next to me asked, “I think so!” replied the waitress. I was shocked. I sat there, in silence, trying to make sense of the words I’d just heard. NO WAY THAT PEOPLE FUCKING DO THIS! This has to be a joke. You can’t be serious. I know that some of these breakfast places have cereal “on the menu” but if you actually order it you’re a schmuck. Now it’s not that I don’t like cereal- I’m a HUGE cereal guy. I once had a nutritionist tell me that cereal is full of vitamins that drain out, so it’s really good for you as long as you drink the milk. Well, ever since I’ve used that logic to down bowls of any cereal at any time. I am a firm believer that a bowl of cereal that has 45 grams of sugar doesn’t count as dessert as long as you drink the milk. I’ll eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and all times in between. I like to keep of steady rotation of Honey Nut Cheerios, Raisin Bran, Special K, and Honey Bunches of Oats going for my meat and beans, while relying on the classics of Reeses Puffs and Cocoa Krispies to clean my palette. I have impeccable cereal taste, and if that's a weakness then I hope my legs snap under the weight of my own body because I’ll never be strong.

That being said, I would NEVER do this. I wouldn’t be caught DEAD ordering cereal at a diner. What a dumb move. Why go to a diner and pay any amount of money for a fucking bowl of cereal? First of all a box of cereal costs five bucks, so what’s the negotiable price for a bowl? Fifty cents? Even with that, eating cereal is what you do when you aren’t spending money on a meal. You see someone eating a bowl of cereal and you think, “Oh, "so and so" wanted a free meal”. All you do is add milk. During the Depression, people were crushing Spam, now we crush cereal.

So if you set foot in a diner of sound mind and body, and you think it’s a better idea to order a bowl of cereal than anything else on the menu, then I don’t want to know you. These are the days of two eggs, toast, and coffee for less than five dollars. Look around you and have some decency. Respect the diner, respect yourself, and keep the word cereal out of your fucking mouth.

P.S. Diners deserve some of the blame here. This isn’t 1933; Corn Flakes aren’t a delicacy any more. Stop serving them.