I’ve been 100% upfront that I’m not a shark guy. By that I mean, I’m terrified of sharks. I’d love to be able to fully appreciate what magnificent creatures they are, but I can’t get close enough to do that while also not shitting myself (too real). NO MATTER HOW SCARED I AM OF SHARKS, animal cruelty is fucked up.

Not only that, but this is super fucking dumb. Oh you’re going to drag a shark through the water and laugh at it as it dies? You pieces of shit better not ever set foot in the water again. That’s a no-go zone for you for the rest of your lives. It doesn’t matter how many years pass, or how many miles you put between you and the scene of the crime- every shark IN THE WORLD has your face on a fucking poster. Every shark slaps your ugly mug as for motivation as they head out onto the field to play the big game.

Sharks spend hours hunting boring seals to prepare for the chance at one of your juicy thighs. In post-kill interviews, young sharks claim that they’re aiming for the big leagues hunting you: Michael Wenzel, Robert Lee Benac, and Spencer Heintz. There’s a bounty on your head that can only be paid in blood, and if you set foot in the water, that bounty will be paid. Your best bet is just assume there’s always a shark shadowing your every move, for the rest of your life, forever.

It’s another example of an unforgivably cocky human move, to target something that is much higher on the food chain than us. There’s a reason there’s no show called “Man Vs. Shark” because that show becomes “Shark” very quickly. I’ve also always been reluctant to ever say someone deserves to get attacked by a shark, because I think that’s the most terrifying thing in the world. But these guys deserve to get attacked by sharks. They made their beds, time to sleep in them.