Another Christmas break is in the books and I had an unfortunate realization as I packed up all of my bags to go home, I still treat holiday breaks as an excuse to play video games nonstop. I can't stop thinking about it now. I know you other losers have actual traditions you guys do when you get home for the holidays. I’m sure that some of you shovel the walk with dad, or bake with mom. I’d wager a few of you find a way to grab a beer with friends from home, or play a winter football game. I mean sure, I’ve got a little of that- but I basically just play video games. It felt totally normal in college! What else was I supposed to do? But now I’m 26 and spending money on bus and train tickets to go home to play video games.

How am I ever supposed to bring a future-wife home to spend Christmas with my family when I all I do is play video games with my brothers? Like, “okay honey, wait upstairs with my parents, I’ll be up in eight hours for water”. It’s just never going to work! It’s going to be tough to have any alone time when I’ve got allocate 95% of the hours between noon and 3AM to the murdering of whatever virtual menace my brothers and I face in our fake game-world. I would try to pretend but how long would that work for? It’s like, do you really think I’m capable of just stopping that habit forever? Some of you maybe could, but not me. I’d be like Denzel with the mini fridge in Flight, future-wife would go to the bathroom and leave the door to the basement unlocked. I’d see the light, hear the screams, and I’d relapse so fucking fast. I’d say, “Just one game, honey” and she’d oblige, because she doesn’t know the depths of my dark habit; and I’d emerge five days later with a full beard, a new relationship status, and perpetually frustrated parents.

I don’t know if you can tell how drastic this situation is, but it’s drastic. I know everybody tells you not to change yourself for whoever you end up with, but I don’t really see a way out of this! Some people crush eggnog, some people crush caroling, and I crush sitting in a carpeted basement, twiddling the sticks, eating Cheetos off my lap in absolute darkness. Find a more eligible bachelor, I’ll wait.