Good news, folks! Right in time for all of your new years resolutions to be getting a bit old: we’ve got an E Coli outbreak! Sure sure it’s a huge bummer if you get E Coli (I guess you might die?) but it’s great news for everybody else.

This is the best excuse to not eat vegetables at all for the next few weeks. “Honey, why don’t you order a salad?” “Shut up mom, you bitch, haven’t you heard of E Coli?” is something that’s going to be heard at restaurants around the nation in the coming month.  Sorry folks, but that diet’s going to have to wait. Sure, sure, you could ride the dietary red line and lose weight the old fashioned way (through E Coli), but you’re much better off just abandoning any hope of eating greens for 30 days, maybe more.

If anybody gives you a hard time, you just let them know that if you get E Coli, then it’s on them. That’ll keep them awake at night for sure. You can’t take chances here, people. You get new years resolutions every year, but you might just get E Coli once…