Forget about the fact that a bomb cyclone is destroying the North East at this very moment, or that an earth quake struck the Bay Area this morning, because now we’ve got stingrays just stinging the shit out of people.

That’s not supposed to happen, we’re all supposed to just accept that it tragically happened once to Steve Irwin and go on living our lives. We’re not supposed to have to worry about this. 156 people stung in three days? Special stingray treatment center? What insanity is this? If you have to set up stingray treatment centers then you should just be closing these beaches. 156 people in three days is an ABSURD number. And here it is, the question I ask more than any other on this blog: how in the name of God are people still going to beaches?

Look, I know I’m an ocean coward, but this is not a ridiculous reason to avoid the ocean. On the contrary, this may be the best reason of all time to not go in the water. Yes, shark attacks are scarier, but there aren’t that many serial killer sharks out there. THESE STINGRAYS HAVE STUNG 156 PEOPLE IN THREE DAYS. I don’t care what ocean it is, how nice it is, how much fun shit there is to do, or how good you look in your speedo, there’s just no reason good enough to go in this water.  These stingrays are out for blood, and want to know why? Just take a look at the news, it’s clear that Mother Earth is trying to kill us. Nowhere is safe. You’re either going to be crushed by an earthquake, run over by a snowplow, or stung to death by a bottom feeder. This is the world rejecting us.