Scientists often hope to break ground with their research. But a group of Australian researchers would likely be happy with breaking wind.

The team developed an ingestible electronic capsule to monitor gas levels in the human gut. When it’s paired with a pocket-sized receiver and a mobile phone app, the pill reports tail-wind conditions in real time as it passes from the stomach to the colon. The researchers, led by Kourosh Kalantar-Zadeh of RMIT University and Peter Gibson of Monash University, reported their invention Monday in Nature Electronics.

In an accompanying editorial, mechanical engineer Benjamin Terry of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln concluded that the capsules “have remarkable potential to help us understand the functional aspects of the gut microbiome, its response to dietary changes, and its impact on health.”

Full story here.

I’ll be honest, I clicked on this article expecting more. I expected to have finally have a system in place where I get a text telling me that I should cancel that date tonight because there’s an intestinal storm a-brewing. I was ready for the fake phone call that the app triggers so that you have an excuse to leave the room. I was ready to press a button and have that little pill zap the fart right out of me. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to wait a little longer for those, since this seemed like more of an “observational” thing than anything else. And yes, those quotation marks were sarcastic air-quotes. 

To be honest, I’m fine with just doing some diagnostic pill-readings because I guess that’s how these things get started, I don’t know! I’m no scientist! A lot of these things don’t make any sense to me. More hydrogen in the colon? More oxygen in the intestine? You might as well just show me the matrix. I have no shot at deciphering any of the information here. That’s also fine! If the information is good, then I’ll pay a scientist to look at this and put it in easily decipherable pictures or something.

But the information’s got to be good. I don’t give a shit about a high fiber vs. a low fiber diet, I already know how much raisin bran is too much raisin bran. Have one of these test rats eat four Domino’s pizzas and tell me what happens.  I want to know how many hours I need between cheesy bread and my next date. I need to know how many PBR’s it takes to get from “having a good time” to “pooping myself” Alright?

That’s the information we need! I’m not looking for whether I should eat 25 or 30 grams of fiber a day, I’m looking for how long I can ride the dietary red line before my intestine self-destructs in a stranger’s apartment.