(CNN)A crew member of Fly Jamaica Airways has been arrested for attempting to smuggle cocaine into the United States, according to a statement by the US Customs and Border Protection.

Federal agents said they discovered four packages taped to his legs. Nine pounds of cocaine was seized, with a reported street value of $160,000.

Photos released by the CBP show the suspect, in his airline uniform, with pants pulled down and white tape around his thighs and ankle.

Full story here.

Look, I’m going to start this off by saying that I am not an expert on smuggling coke. I have no personal experience with smuggling any quantity of coke across international borders, and I’m basing all of my analysis off of every movie, tv show, and drug related media I’ve consumed over the years. So, on second thought, maybe I am an expert.

Either way, nine pounds of coke seems like a lot of coke to be smuggling if you’re just an average guy, like sure, if you were Pablo Escobar you could carry a hundred pounds of coke in a clear briefcase while leading a line of coke-painted models who were shooting coke out a bunch of t-shirt cannons and be fine, but that’s not this guy. Not to mention that taping nine pounds of coke to your legs seems like the best way to get caught of all time. You can’t just expect to waddle around an airport and walk into the most paranoid national security situation on this side of the Atlantic. 

So now that we’ve identified the problem, we can find the solution. Everybody knows that the best and only way to smuggle coke is by putting it up your butt. Nine pounds of coke is too much to put up one person’s butt. It just doesn’t mathematically work. I’m a pretty big guy at 6’7” and I feel like I’d max out at like 2 pounds of coke up my butt. Basically you’ve got to divvy up your forces here, share the wealth. I’d recommend finding 9-12 people who are willing to put one pound of coke up their butts, that way you’re covering your bases on the people with less butt capacity. Your best bet is if these people are white people. White people bring a certain je ne sais quoi into the equation. That je ne sais quoi is a combination of their enthusiasm for dumb ideas, they don’t really get strip searched all that often, they love coke, and butt stuff is trending up; so the time to strike is now.

Honestly as we’ve spoken about before, you’re best, best, best bet is to find an old white lady who’s willing to smuggle cocaine in the deep darkness. As we learned from our serial stowaway a few weeks ago, if there’s one thing we know about old white ladies, it’s that they can walk through airports completely undetected covered in cocaine. 

There it is. Don’t call me a savant. Don’t call me a guy who knows it all. Just call me someone who’s paid attention to the facts. Comment below with how much coke you think you could fit in your butt and/or if you are an old white lady.