New Zealand said on Tuesday it would like to expel Russian spies in retaliation for allegedly poisoning an ex-agent in Britain - only it can't find any Moscow operatives in the country.

Scores of Russian diplomats have been ordered from the United States, Canada, Australia and various European countries in the wake of the nerve agent attack on Sergei Skripal and his daughter in Salisbury.

"We have done a check in New Zealand. We don't have Russian undeclared intelligence officers here. If we did, we would expel them," Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern told state radio.

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Guys I don’t know if you heard but getting spied on by Russia is hot these days. Seriously, everybody’s who’s anybody, even Canada, is getting data mined and poisoned by these motherfuckers. Which brings us to the point of I don’t know what’s worse: New Zealand not being able to find any Russian spies because they’re spies suck, or New Zealand not being able to find any Russian spies because there’s nothing to spy on in New Zealand. Either New Zealand sucks at spying or has the least valuable secrets of all time. I honestly don’t know which of those it is.

It’s not great to be the subject of gossip but it’s also a terrible look to not have anybody gossip about you. That’s just boring. If you’re New Zealand you can’t admit this. You just can’t. You’ve either got to keep your mouth shut, or lie. Just find some Russian people and kick them out! You’ll say they’re spies and Russia will say they’re innocent which is exactly what everybody expects you guys to say.  Sure that’s not great ethically, but at least you’ll get to sit at the cool kids’ table.

You just can’t, and I mean can’t, be the odd man out here. Everybody’s getting rid of Russian spies, and if you want to have a shred of respect in the intelligence community you best do the same.