The Kremlin has warned Boris Johnson that it has a “surprise” in store for those who have the “impudence” to compare Russia with Nazi Germany.

“We have a surprise for all who have the impudence to compare, to draw parallels between Russia and the Third Reich,” she added.

" Let's wait until Thursday, I promise to unveil a historic gift at a press conference. The gift is for Boris Johnson and everyone. "

Full story here.

Hmmmm ok. Anybody a little nervous about this? It’s one thing if Jamaica’s promising us a surprise, and another if it’s Russia. What could you surprise us/Boris Johnson with, Russia?  What do you have that would be a nice thing to discover? I don’t think there’s very much, guys. No way in hell Boris Johnson calls Russia a bunch of Nazis and they surprise him with a shipment of caviar. ALSO WHO SAYS THAT? This is straight movie villain stuff. There’s a few lessons to be learned from this story.

1. If you call anyone a Nazi, they’re going to be pissed about it. I’d reckon that even a couple true Nazis would be upset being put in a box like that. Russia, especially, has a complicated history with Nazi Germany and probably isn’t too psyched about the comparison either. Also, as we’ve learned over and over again, you’ve got to be careful with dictator’s feelings, they can be sensitive. Also, on that note, we can just outwardly call Putin a dictator at this point, right? I feel like he’s been pretty open about that. Dude just won like his 7th unopposed election in a row so unless he’s got those FDR genes I’d say something is amiss. 
2. Hey Russia, stop fucking poisoning people. This one’s pretty self explanatory.
3. Boris Johnson, maybe tone it down a little bit with your aggressive opponents to the East. I’m all for calling Russia out on its shit but it would be a shame to get nuked before my jewish lent was up and I could eat pizza.
4. Also, why are we being grouped in the Boris Johnson here? “A surprise for Boris Johnson and everybody.” What the fuck? Why everybody? I didn’t call you Nazi Germany, Boris did. Boris did that! This is Boris’ surprise. A surprise for everybody seems much more difficult to coordinate. No need for that, Russia. We’re good over here. 

 Man, I hope the world doesn’t end before I get to eat pizza. For the record, this would be a pretty uncool blog curse.