It’s been basically a week since the Royal Wedding. I’m nowhere near fully recovered from my failure to successfully object, but then again I don’t think I ever will be. For those of you who haven’t seen my MUST WATCH video, let me tell you that all of Brooklyn agreed with me. I spoke to all of four people at the Brooklyn half marathon, and that seems like a large enough sample size to say that nobody was psyched about the Royal Wedding. Anyways, all of the mainstream media have suddenly decided to start covering the wedding after the fact (little late to the party guys) but there were a few stories this week that need to be tarnished with the hot takes of Here’s A Blog Are You Happy Now?

First, the wedding had a sick afterparty. Yeah, alright, I’ll give credit where credit is due- this after part really sounded dope. We had Idris Elba DJ’ing, Serena Williams crushing everybody at beer song, and George Clooney mixing drinks behind the bar. God, that sounds awesome. Then again, what’s the alternative here? You invite sick people to your wedding, they make the party sick. Am I really supposed to believe that Harry and Meghan are so lame that they’d cancel out the awesomeness of dopest A-listers out there? Fuck no. That’s basically a war crime it’s so lame. That’s like extinguishing a thousand suns with a bucket. Don’t get me wrong, Harry has redefined the word “lame” in 2018, but even this would be out of his league. 

Second, Meghan Markle’s costar Rick Hoffman went on a rant about how beautiful the wedding was, and how wonderful love is, and blah blah blah. Of course he did. Rick Hoffman and the rest of the Suits sheeple were clearly paid off by the royal family to write the most run-of-the-mill proposal and wedding for Meghan in the show so as not to make them look bad; so of course they were paid off to gush about the not-naught-enough nuptials. Keep it in your pants, Rick, if the proposal is any indication then enthusiasm is considered unbecoming by the royal family. 

Third, Wagga Wagga, Australia was site to a vicious royal wedding fight, where one deranged individual didn’t take kindly to his well intentioned neighbor unplugging his TV and then smashing it with a table. Easy to see what happened here, one neighbor was brainwashed watching the Royal Wedding,  and his buddy wouldn’t stand for it. The good friend unplugged and consequently smashed said television, only to have his zombie pal beat the pulp out of him with a pair of bike handlebars. This begs the question, how does one beat someone up with a pair of bike handlebars? Were they attached to the bike? What is the best way to beat somebody up with a bike? These are all questions that are way above my pay grade, but take them into your weekend and ask your friends. All I know is that our tv unplugging and smashing friend is a hero, and if he ever makes it out of the hospital and wants a job - he’s got one waiting for him here.