(CBS) — A Kansas man attempting to insert his penis into the tailpipe of a car had to be subdued with a stun gun after refusing to listen to police.

“We were called to the 1200 block of East Broadway to a report of a naked male underneath a car,” said Lt. Scott Powell of the Newton (Kansas) Police Department. “.. He was attempting to stick his penis into the tailpipe of the vehicle.”

Full story here.

oh so it’s cool to have sex with a robot and not with a car(in public)? That’s a weird double standard! Sure I won't claim to know the allure of getting your wiener covered in exhaust and fossil fuel dust, but who am I to stop you if that floats your boat!? I mean this was a tough night for this guy: tries to have sex with a car (some would say rock bottom) and then gets stun gunned before he can finish the deed. Somebody buy this guy a gatorade, because he's got a hangover of the head and of the heart.

Although, maybe the only worse thing that could have happened would have been for this guy to actually have sex with a car. In that case the police did him a favor! Makes me think that maybe every group of friends should have go out with a communal stun gun to stop anybody from doing anything drunk and stupid. We’ve all got that friend who gets drunk and doesn’t listen to any directions: maybe they start fights, maybe they shout mean things, maybe they sweat a lot, maybe they try to have sex with cars - to each their own! But there’s no doubt that you need a stun gun in these scenarios.

I had a whole thing go on like this other night. I had one buddy who was giving another buddy some hard news about a lady who didn’t like him. The other buddy got super offended by this and started pushing people around. Nobody knew what was going on. You had this guy shouting and going all Rocky on people shouting, “We’re not friends anymore!!” And the rest of us pleading, “Dude we like you! We like you!”  Meanwhile my Lyft has shown up and I’ve already been cancelled on once, so I’m trying to simultaneously bargain with the driver to stay while also beg one friend not to murder the other for no reason. This all would have been far easier if I had a stun gun. Would have simply communal stun gunned guy #1 in the neck and put him out cold, given guy #2 ten bucks for guy #1’s cab, if I was feeling generous that is, and hopped in the 3AM Lyft home (which would have still been there because the driver would have seen I had a stun gun). It’s been five months and I still don’t really know what this blog is about, but it’s full of bomb ideas and a communal stun gun is one of them.