SANTA MONICA (CBSLA) — Police are looking for burglars on the Westside who they say use a food delivery ruse before they burglarize homes.

According to investigators, a female suspect pretends to be an employee of the Postmates delivery service and can be seen on security video holding a bag of food before knocking on the door of a would-be victim’s home.

If there’s no response, the female then motions to two other suspects waiting in a nearby vehicle and they proceed to go to the rear of the property and break in, police said.

Full story here.

This is a brilliant scheme. I love this scheme. Basically, a potential burglar comes up to your house in disguise, knocks on the door (I suppose so that if you answer, they have an excuse for being at your door), and if you’re not there then they dial up their cronies and they break in. Now, this is very smart, but I’d crank it up a notch. I think that more food delivery people should be robbers, if only because I’m never more vulnerable to robbery than when I seamless, and especially when I postmates. 

Physically, I’m barefoot, likely underdressed, and completely unprepared for being burgled. That’s only for Seamless. If order Postmates then I’m even more fucked. I only order Postmates when I’ve gotten “too high” and am too scared to leave my couch. It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. Last time I ordered Postmates it’s because I was high and wanted a dozen donuts from Dunkin Donuts. I’m pathetic. I can’t think of anyone easier to rob than high me. If it involves me speaking, interacting, or not staring into the abyss, then I’m not interested. Take whatever I have, take whatever you want, just please, please leave me alone. 

Speaking of pathetic: I’m also emotionally, not only vulnerable, but also begging to be robbed. If I walked out into my hallway to find myself face to face with a gun, knife, fist wielding robber-deliveryman, my first words would be, “I deserve this.” It’s a dirty feeling ordering Seamless. It’s kind of a dirty feeling if you only order it every once in a while, and the magnitude of dirtiness increases exponentially when you order it all the fucking time. I never celebrate a Seamless order. I never show it off. I’m the guy scurrying back to his room like a crab scuttling back to its little sand cave with a crust of bread. My primary concern is not alerting any of my roommates to the fact that I just ordered delivery from a place that sits two blocks away. When I receive my order from Seamless, I’m all about getting that transaction over with. It doesn’t matter if that transaction is me taking the bag from you, signing the bill, or giving you my wallet: I just want it done. I ordered this because I didn’t want any fuss, so take whatever you want and leave me to my darkness.