Look I’ll be the first to say that Canada’s received an unfair wrap over the years. We trash and trash and trash and trash them- they’re so close to being Americans but still so far. It’s like that episode of Friends (yeah I’m on a fucking Friends kick, what of it???) where Ross meets his doppelgänger Russ and they just hate each other’s guts. That’s Canada. Just like us in a million ways but three, (they speak french, leave their doors unlocked, and put gravy on their french fries) and it’s too bad that those three reasons will make us enemies forever. I’ve only been to Canada once, I had a great time. I drank a million coronas (3 coronas) and got drunk for the first time, got kicked out of a strip club (left because I was uncomfortable), and wore a wife beater under a button down because it was my first time to Canada and I needed for them to know I was a bad boy. All in all, it was an A+ experience as I’m sure many other Americans would agree, but still we look on it as the lesser of the two North American brothers. USA’s got a big dick and a varsity letterman jacket, and Canaduh’s got acne and velcro shoes.

Well not anymore baby! I tell you what- it’s not been a great couple of years for the ol US of A and our daddy to the North is cashing in. 

What are American air traffic controllers doing? Smoking a pack a day getting fat trying to prevent the next great air tragedy of the century. You know what Canadian air traffic controllers are doing? Just fucking ordering a couple of pizza pies for their stressed Southern brethren. You know how hard it is to order pizza for someone else? You got to decide brand of pizza, toppings that everybody likes, how to deal with the lactose intolerant folks, number of pizzas, how much to tip- it’s not an easy task, dear reader, and yet here they are. Our boys are trying to avoid recreating Season 2 of Breaking Bad and Canada’s up there making it a party for everyone. 

Not only that but they’ve got Justin Trudeau running things up there, and he’s a babe. Need I say more? I’ve got no idea at all how the Canadian government works but I think he’s doing a nice job. Do they still serve the Queen? Even if they do, the guy’s a sexy puppet. And his job isn’t even that hard anymore! Confused about what policies to push? Just do the opposite of your southern neighbors, my friend. Canada’s got Maverick from Top Gun and we’ve got the lady who got stuck in the tanning machine in Final Destination 2.