Source.

My new least favorite person is the person who thinks this is the right time to remind me that “mOsqUIToEs aRE mOrE dAngEROuS ThAN muRdER hORneTs”

It’s not like I’m sitting on a beach and all I can be bothered by is a flock of Murder Hornets. I’m already afraid of everything. I’m already bleaching groceries and using a combination of google maps and my weather app to plot out how long I have before Murder Hornets arrive in Vermont. 

Point is, scientists, I’m already afraid of going outside. I don’t need to be reminded in painstaking fashion that for thousands of years there’s already been a bug that can not only suck my blood and kill me, but that’s already had the chance to a zillion times. Next you’re going to remind me that .01% of all people who sleep on their stomach die by suffocating themselves in their sleep. Great! Sleeping was all I had left! Now I can’t sleep on my stomach! Might as well just jump off a bridge and end it now! 

Let’s review a couple great excerpts from this prime example of fear mongering journalism.

Hey Lawrence, once you graduate from Assistant TO the Research Scientist maybe you can realize that your state is literally overrun by pythons and you should get your fear priorities in order. 

Oh great, I just finished accepting that I’ll never win the lottery, but now if I do, I die. 

Awesome. So if I win the lottery and don’t die, I will wish that I had.

This is my favorite dumb-bee statement of all time. Who is out there intentionally antagonizing hornets? I don’t speak for them! They deserve their own article. I speak for the rational people who, like me, are afraid of accidentally provoking a Murder Hornet, or any creature for that matter. This is like talking about the dangers of being struck by lightning and pointing out that 100% of people who stick forks in outlets die anyway. I don’t care about those people! Anybody who sticks forks in outlets or makes bees mad for fun got written off by me in 3rd grade. 

Oh so we’re just dealing with bugs that murder out of necessity, and their babies. Thanks Science.

Does this guy understand how being afraid of things works? Maybe I’ve got the biggest dick of them all, but I can be afraid of all of these things at once! I’m afraid of suffocating on my stomach, while having covid toes, while being stung by every type of hornet at the same time. AND now in my nightmare my mom has EEE because she left her window cracked.

And for your information, scientists, I have heard of Tarantula Hawks because they are scary and have the words Tarantula and Hawk in their name. Thanks for reminding me that they existed, it’d been thirty seconds since I thought about the northernmost specimen being discovered in my sheets.