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THE Argument Against Using a Watermelon as a Robbery Mask

A pair of melon heads -- yes, actual people with watermelons on their heads -- caused quite a stir after they used watermelons as face masks to allegedly steal from a convenience store in a small Virginia town.

One of the two suspects was arrested on Friday, Police Chief Tom Leary confirmed to CNN. Police are still looking for the second suspect.

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I’ll be the first to recognize ingenuity. I appreciate mixing up the norm, whether that’s giving birth in supermarket aisles, putting whales in dumpsters, or using swim toys to a satiate the seemingly insatiable lust of a certain horny dolphin. This is no different. We’re in the era of masks and I realize that your basic ski mask simply won’t cut it anymore. I also refuse to put myself in an ivory tower and talk down to different mask-choices based purely off of aesthetic. I think as long as you’re not wearing a KKK hood you should be fine. Seemed like a low bar. Perhaps not!

Ready for the return of my #favoriteblogphrase…? THAT BEING SAID, there are indubitably better mask choices than a watermelon. Forget juice residue. Forget lack of peripheral vision. Hell, forget the assumed physical risk one takes by shoving their cranium into a fruit. Think only of the fact that in order to operate a watermelon mask with the level of motor skill and comfort, I would argue, absolutely necessary to ROB a store, the watermelon mask would have to fit appropriately, if not perfectly. Which makes me think that this watermelon robber must have an extraordinarily small head. Assuming I am correct and that the aforementioned criminal hadn’t made a previous stop sixteen hours away at the Iowa State Fair to purchase the world’s largest summer fruit, this man’s got a tiny head! 

I’ve got nothing against small headed folks, and at most I hold a smidgeon of envy for the fact that I, as a one of the big headed folk, will never be able to fit my head in a fruit. However I will shame this man for ignoring the primary point of wearing a mask, that being to conceal any distinguishing feature. Having a small-ass watermelon head? That’s a distinguishing feature. Maybe I’ve got an eye for the baby-headed people in the world, but I’d see this guy a mile away.

THAT BEING SAID one of these robbers is still on the loose- so we’ve got to acknowledge the possibility that the population of this one Virginia town is particularly small-headed. If that’s the case, then maybe this is brilliant? Have a BBQ, cram my undersized face with watermelon, use the mutilated husk to rob a store, get away with it. Sounds like a solid plan.