"Science" Says that Sugar Gives You Cancer

(CNN) Does sugar, which makes all things delicious, lead to cancer?

A biologic mechanism in yeast cells may explain the relationship between sugar and malignant tumors, according to a recent study published in the journal Nature Communications.

Full article here.

Another blatant attempt by “science” to ruin halloween for everyone. It’s not enough that science has pulled back the curtain and revealed that we’re all going to be underwater in 75 years, but now they’re attacking halloween.

Personally, I’m 25 and gave up on my health a long time ago. I haven’t been to the dentist in two years, or in for a check up in longer - and I'm fairly confident that the inside of my body is a petri dish of chemicals that don’t belong, and bacteria that have undoubtedly grown to 4x their original strength. But I know as much as anybody else is that our nation needs halloween. It’s been a tough  day, weekend, few months, year- and we deserve a binge.

I can guarantee that publishing this article now will only lead to greater consumption. You make alcohol illegal, Al Capone gets rich. You declare war on drugs, cocaine floods the streets. You tell me that sugar gives you cancer, the whole country gets cavities and the aforementioned cancer. At this point I’m fairly comfortable that, unless you live on a farm eating beets and legumes, everything gives you cancer.

So from one doomed millennial to another- drag your disease-ridden body down to the super market and get those Reeses Cups ready for freezing, I would rather be ashes than dust. This one’s for the dreamers, the rebels, the misfits, the sweet-toothed trolls that loom in the night- have a happy halloween and don’t let science ruin everything.

P.S. I very much hope that sugar doesn’t give you cancer, and I do not endorse avoiding the dentist.