Philly Man Steals Priceless Terracotta Warrior's Thumb: China Not Psyched

(CNN) Chinese authorities are livid over the theft of a thumb from a 2,000-year-old terracotta warrior on loan to a US museum, calling for the perpetrator to be "severely" punished.

The ancient statue is valued at $4.5 million and considered a "priceless part of China's cultural heritage." It was on display at Philadelphia's Franklin Institute when the vandalism took place.

"We call on the United States to severely punish those who have done [this]," Shaanxi Provincial Cultural Relic Exchange Center's director told the Beijing Youth Daily, a state-run Chinese newspaper.

Delaware-resident Michael Rohana was arrested last week, US officials said, accused of stealing the thumb in December during an ugly sweater party hosted by the museum.

Full story here.

This story is so full of no-no’s that I don’t even know where to start. Well actually, yes I do. Let’s start at the most obvious no-no of all. Don’t take a terracotta warrior man’s thumb. Are there also terra-cotta women? Because you shouldn’t take their thumbs either. You all know the terracotta warrior people: the army of stone figures that somebody just discovered in a Chinese garden or something like that. Widely renowned as some of the most ancient symbols of China’s history and culture, and widely acknowledged to not be candidates for party favor mutilation. I’m not insinuating you’d ever want to end up in an American prison, but oh boy, you definitely don’t want to end up in a Chinese prison. So, to this guy who thought this was a dope idea, you’re a fucking idiot.

Now to the museum who thought it was wise to host an ugly sweater party where I assume, without going too far out on a limb, that there was alcohol, you’re a fucking idiot too. A class above me in school had a social evening at a museum once, and it fucking blew up, as expected. People were climbing dinosaurs, banging in exhibits, it was all manner of debauchery. Not great by any means, but also a completely predictable outcome based on the circumstances.

This museum should be aware of how difficult it is to keep people from touching what they shouldn’t touch or de-thumbing what they shouldn’t de-thumb, even without alcohol. Didn’t this happen with the Greek statues once? Like everybody came in and stole their penises or something like that? I don’t know, I might be making that up. I’d be shocked if nobody came in and stole a bunch of Greek penises though: that’s impulse-control like you read about.

Just to be abundantly clear: this thing used to have a penis, and no longer has a penis.

It’s like when you feed a horse, and if you stick your thumb out the horse will think it’s a carrot and eat it. Same thing goes for statues, if you have any part of a statue protruding, be it thumb, nose, or penis, somebody’s going to think it’s up for grabs and take it. Like, “why would they make it stick out if I wasn’t allowed to snap it off?” It’s the equivalent of a shiny red button for kids. Kids are gonna press that button. Grown up drunk Americans are going to break of the priceless figure’s thumb. Just the way of the world I guess. This is what you should have seen coming, China. This is Philly we're talking about. You send something over there, whatever you get back is going to be marked forever. You should have known that. You should have known better.