Facial Exercises Can Make You Look Three Years Younger: And I Need To Take Off Ten
Facial exercises may significantly reduce some of the signs of aging, according to an interesting new study of the effects of repeating specific, expressive movements on people’s appearance.
The study, published in JAMA Dermatology, found that middle-aged women looked about three years younger after a few months of exercising, perhaps providing a reasonable, new rationale for making faces behind our spouses’ backs.
Full story here.
This is breaking news. I’d always known that you could do face exercises to make your face look better, but seeing it in the New York Times was a real game changer for me. Look, there’s no such thing as photogenic anymore: you either look good or you don’t. Gone are the days where it was normal to look good in real life and not in photos. With Snapchat story, Instagram story, Facebook story, Bumble story, LinkedIn story, and all of that other shit, your whole life is photos now. It’s time to get with the times: you either look dope in photos or you are dope.
There’s a lot that goes into a good photo: it’s not just you bringing your fucking A-game. It’s getting the lighting right, the filters right, and don’t you dare forget the angle. Camera angle, also known as the difference between looking fine and looking like you’re dying. By changing the angle of my chin by six degrees, I can go from looking like a slightly malnourished 26 year old to a 45 year old chain smoker in seconds. I’ve taken photos recently that have made me shudder. That’s not an exaggeration: they’ve given me nightmares. I used to do bad angles as a joke, but now I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s not a joking matter.
What am I supposed to tell my future-kids, my future in-laws, or my future-barber? “Oh yeah I work out four days a week (humble brag) but I have the face of a competitive eater” How am I supposed to get future-kids, future-in-laws, or a future-barber? You see, I have a unique problem. Everybody knows that directly below the chin is the worst camera angle of all time. That’s a camera angle that makes kings and kills beggars. You get caught napping on that angle and you’re out of the game. That’s a bullet to the head on social media. A photo like that gets posted and suddenly Mom’s calling asking if you’re sleeping all right. That pops up on the Facebook feed and dad is suddenly telling you about this new workout fad he’s been trying that you could really enjoy. A photo like that surfaces, and the only DM’s you have are from hacked accounts that you don’t know how to delete (no seriously, how do you delete DM’s?). You’ve always got to be aware of your face’s angle relative to the lens, that’s kindergarten shit.
My unique problem is that I’m 6’7”, so the whole world sees me from my worst angle all the time. That’s my default. You know how many pictures get taken from above of me? Zero. I’m double chin city, motherfucker. I’m big cheek Bilbo, bitches. A good camera day for me is just a day where I don’t get murdered by the flash. I’m not like everybody else: nothing is given to me, and everything is taken. I’ve got to be at the best of my game all the time. I can’t let these knives go dull. I’ve got to be doing face crunches nonstop to stay in front of the curve. These face exercises can make you look three years younger? Well that’s great, but I need mine to make me look ten years younger. I need these face sit-ups to turn this jawline around. You may only need to cut warm butter with yours, but I’ve got to be able to cut sirloin with mine. There’s no offseason when it comes to Snapchat, and all of your ex-girlfriends are dating dudes who look better in photos then you.
