Kris Dunn Broke All Of His Teeth Dunking Last Night: And I'd Like To Announce My Retirement From Dunking
The Chicago Bulls took on the Golden State Warriors last night and were ultimately defeated. Decent showing by the Bulls, but they ultimately showed an inability to stop the Warriors when they weren’t being sloppy, and the Splash Bros proved to be a little too much for Chicago’s defense to handle. Defeat aside, the Bulls are proving that they are indeed a really fun team to watch. There’s no sign that this team is trying to tank (for better or for worse), and all signs point to if they go down, they’ll go down swinging.
The real story from last night, unfortunately, had nothing to do with the Splash Brothers, the Bulls’ streakiness, or Niko Mirotic’s trade talks. The real story last night was Kris Dunn face planting after a dunk and breaking all of his teeth. This is obviously somewhat NSFW.
Okay so he didn’t break all of his teeth, but he broke some of his teeth: and that’s too many teeth. I watched this live and looked something like this:
And not in a good way.
I somehow have missed all of the really bad injuries live: I missed Paul George’s leg snapping, I missed Gordon Hayward’s ankle self-destructing, and I missed that Kevin Ware’s tibia become tibias. Unfortunately, because of missing those injuries live, I was completely unprepared for this one. While the face plant was in no way equivalent to any of the above injuries, it’s the worst nightmare for any dunk. Kris Dunn basically fell face first from hoop height to the hardwood. The camera fucking stayed on his bleeding stub-teeth as I frantically counted my little chewers to make sure none had fallen out in solidarity. As far as leg’s breaking, I feel like that’s terrifying, but also totally random: Kevin Ware just landed on his leg and it broke. I could jump in my kitchen right now and I feel like the same thing could happen to me. Just a total case of bad luck. The Kris Dunn fall, however, is literally something that can be prevented with the easiest of ease.
That brings me to my official announcement: I will no longer be dunking with two hands. For those of you who will accuse me of never having dunked with two hands, I will tell you that I can basically count the number of times I’ve dunked with two hands on two hands, so fuck you. For others who say that was ages ago and I no longer have the legs to do it, I will tell you that I wish you’d said that yesterday afternoon before I announced my retirement so I could have shown you. I will now only be dunking with one hand, although I am considering retiring from dunking all together and only relying on finger rolls and mid-range fadeaways. The timing of this could not be worse, as I just bought a professional semipro amateur zog sports team, of which I’m the star player, coach, and owner; but such is life. Kris Dunn would support me in this choice. Again, it’s not that I can’t dunk with two hands, it’s that I don’t want to dunk with two hands. Remember that. There should be no reading into this choice.
