I Don’t Know How Babies Are Born In Supermarkets but this Supermarket Delivered The Shit Out Of This Baby
To be honest I’m not sure how babies are ever born not in hospitals, so this was a useful exercise for me. Not only did this woman legitimately give birth in a supermarket, but the supermarket absolutely nailed the baby-delivery. Let’s break down how this all happened.
A pregnant woman walked into a grocery store and meat market in Fresno, California, where’s she’s a regular customer, and made her way to the soda fountain. As ice was falling into her cup, she started screaming.
Okay, well this is a good place to start. Is there a point where pregnant people just go to a hospital? I'm sure this is a dumb question, but... is it? We're talking about modern medicine here. It kind of feels like we should people having babies drop out of them in random places.
The cashier called 911 but was put on hold. The cook called 911 and was put on hold. The butcher called 911 and was put on hold.
Okay, well that seems like an issue. I've only called 911 once and I was also put on hold. So that seems not great! Does 911 need to hire more people to answer phones? Because if so, let's fucking let them!
Butcher Alberto Casias took off his burgundy apron and caught the baby [.]
Not sure how much "catching the baby" is supposed to be done in a birthing scenario, but regardless, nice catch! Also, not sure how important the color of the apron was to this story, but good to know anyway! If it wasn't burgundy before, it is now.
Sepulveda looked down and saw something that scared her: The umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck. She yelled for someone to throw her a pair of scissors.
Impressive since my reaction probably would have been, "Hey can somebody come cut this?" I don't know why, but the last thing I'd be willing to do in a birthing scenario would be cut the umbilical cord. Go ahead, call me a coward. I've chosen not to pursue a career as a midwife, and I should never have to do this.
Then the baby started looking purple. Now on the phone with 911, the operator told Sepulveda the baby was cold. Casias got his sweater from the butcher area and wrapped the baby.
First things first, glad to see that 911 finally picked up the fucking phone. But now these parents owe Casias the butcher a sweater. No way you want this sweater back. I know some people are all about eating the placenta, but I am not. I am so not about it, that I just googled it and almost threw up. Don't need it for the nutrition, I'll just drink a protein shake or something. Don't need it for the bonding, I'll just decide whether my child's cool or a total d-bag. Keep me away from placenta, and keep my sweaters away from placenta, aka two rules that should be pretty easy to follow.
Well, I will say that the employees of El Parian market really seem like they know how to deliver a baby. This is the definition of DIY. We've got butchers catching babies in (burgundy) aprons, and we've got store owners cutting umbilical cords with scissors. I'd be careful because this could be a hot spot for spontaneous births. Pregnant women in their third trimester from all over the country will be stopping by El Parian to grab sodas and maybe, probably, definitely go into labor. I can't blame them! This seemed from the top down like a pretty seamless process. So long as Casias keeps those hands frosty and Sepulveda keeps those scissors sharp, these folks could be in business for a long time.
