Los Angeles Suburb Bans 'Distracted Walking' And It's Simultaneously The Dumbest And Most Appropriate Thing I've Ever Heard Of

So here I am sitting at my kitchen table at 11:15, debating the reasons for my very existence when this story crosses my eye. I see that a community in LA is banning walking and listening to music, walking while texting, and otherwise walking while distracted, and suddenly I remember my purpose very clearly. Let me be loud and clear, this is stupid.

What the fuck is going on here? Distracted walking? Uh is there an alternative to distracted walking that I haven’t heard of? Who’s walking around just focusing on walking? I’ve never been to LA, have no interest in going to LA, have never considered giving LA a fucking chance, and this is easily the most LA thing I’ve ever heard of. Oh all of these people walking with earbuds in are inconveniencing us who drive. What a fucking ridiculous thing. You do these things to make the walking less noticeable you idiots. LA, again I have no interest in ever meeting you, but seems like you should be encouraging people to walk more you smog-heads. I don’t know what rich asshole in this community thought this was going to make his or her life better but you better get used to folks bringing back the boom box on the shoulder move. You take somebody’s headphones away, they’re going to go down fighting.

Of course at the same time, getting hit by a car because you’re texting is the most LA thing I’ve ever heard of. I mean we do the same thing in New York but we’re at least good at it *see previous blog about how I’m going to get hit by a car any day now. I promise that if I ever get smoked while rewatching my ex girlfriend’s instagram story for the 15th time; I’ll make sure to go quietly into the night without making any outlandish laws that ruin the fun for everybody.