Hawks Are Attacking Us Now And We Might As Well All Kill Ourselves

Mar 28

Mar 28 Hawks Are Attacking Us Now And We Might As Well All Kill Ourselves

FAIRFIELD, CT (WFSB) - Fairfield Police issued a warning on Sunday night after residents reported that hawks swooped down and attacked the backs of their heads.

Police said a resident on Old Mill Road told police that she was attacked by a hawk in her backyard last Monday.

Police said the hawk attacks involve a hawk flying undetected behind a person and then attacking the person’s head.

Full story here.

Oh come the fuck on. We’ve already got enough to worry about with data mining, sharks, and Russia that this just seems like a kick in the head. We’re not supposed to have to worry about birds: sporadic hawk attacks are not things that we want. Seriously if birds are going to start hitchcocking us then we might as well see ourselves out, because we just don't belong on this planet any more. At that point we're just at the bottom of everybody's food chain and it's not even worth scraping by.

Birds are supposed to be the predators that we respect from afar, and we more or less have an understanding that we’re going to leave each other alone. You can understand how it would be a breach of that understanding when this hawk comes down and attacks the back of your head. That’s no good. Nobody wants that. It really makes you realize how ill-prepared we are as a species to avoid attacks from the air. We're not equipped for this type of warfare! This hawk is putting us on a fucking poster. He's embarrassing us!

This is terrible news, and we’ve got to put a stop to it immediately. It makes me realize that birds are just one of the few animals left in the world that I’m not afraid of. Show me the shark of the bird world and I’ll fucking pet that thing. I don’t know what it is, I just don’t mind them at all. So this we cannot have. This we cannot fucking have. I have so few allies left in the animal world I can’t afford to have gentle, majestic creatures burning bridges like this. What do we have to do to fix this? Sacrifice a baby to the hawk god or something? I'm all in. Just make it stop.