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So I happened upon this news article today about how all of these tech companies out in California are working together to revolutionize sex robots, whatever that means. I read the article,  then watched the accompanying video and was not all that impressed with this latest break in sex robot technology. Now, I’ve thought long and hard about how to write this blog because believe it or not, I don’t really want to make fun of people who get sex robots. For every weirdo out there who likes banging a toaster, there’s somebody who’s got a good reason: medical, psychological, or just personal, for wanting that type of intimacy. Enough of the sappy stuff!

I’m sorry if I set the bar high, but I expected more from the best of the best in terms of sex robots. There’s only one thing to blame for this and that’s Westworld. I don’t know how any person on earth would be able to listen to Eva 3000 over here say, “I’m only two in human years,” and maintain any semblance of an operable boner. That’s made even more difficult by a show that’s set our expectations for robots to look, talk, and move like real, absurdly hot people. Maybe I would have been impressed with this trash they’re rolling out in Cali before, but now I have this package of latex and lube crooning to me like T2. You’ve got the bots in Westworld developing consciousness and these real-life scientists are still deciding whether they have the technology to make these ugly robots move! Also, why do all these robots have russian accents? That doesn’t make them less intimidating or more real!

So consider this my apology to all who invest, both personally and financially, in sex robots. Westworld has ruined this entire industry for everybody. It’s like watching a movie with great CGI and then watching the old Battlestar Galactica from 1960; here we are watching robot technology from a thousand years in the future fuck young Ed Harris, and we’re stuck with a slightly upgraded mannequin with a word processor for a brain, it just doesn’t hold up.