Let’s Talk About This Dumb Article About Pleasing Lebron’s Tastebuds
Let’s make this clear. This is supposed to be I refuse to partake in another one of Lebron’s fucking circuses regarding his next destination. Even the “I don’t want elaborate pitches” is what leads to this dumber-than-rocks investigation into what constitutes an un-elaborate pitch. I’ll say no words on Lebron’s free agency other than you’re dumb to sign him unless you want to contend for one ring immediately and then likely suck for years after, and he’d be a fucking idiot to go the West. That’s it. No more words out of me regarding that.
On to this Bleacher Report article, which against my better judgement, I clicked on. The gist of the article is how teams should go about impressing Lebron at dinner meetings by wow’ing his tastebuds and sucking up to his ego. Now obviously, this is not a Lebron interview. This is a smattering of interviews with past and current teammates and coaches, combined with the boundless imagination of the author. With that in mind, you can’t really read any of this and make any judgements of Lebron. Well, you can’t, but I can. You can spare me from recapping the entire goddamn thing and read the full article here, but here are a few highlights/lowlights/examples of exemplary journalism.
"Having that information will mean something to him," one former assistant coach says. "He likes to be important. He'd take that as, 'You took the time to know what I like.'"
Oh, Lebron likes to be important? Go ahead and blow my mind one more time, Bleacher Report. I can’t wait until I hear more about these “un-elaborate proposals,” that will have nothing to do with anything other than basketball and don't at all center around sucking Losebron's dick.
“To put the best possible bow on a formal dinner, warm chocolate chip cookies crumbled over a couple of scoops of vanilla ice cream have to be the closer.”
An A+ dessert, but the staple of the pickiest eater of all time. I see right through this, shit.
“An Italian restaurant is a safe bet, but the most important ingredient is that the food be rare and unique. However, don't introduce a $26,000 Yubari King melon or Swedish moose cheese just to show you're willing to open your wallet or be exotic; there has to be a reason behind it. If you're trying to lure him to Houston, say, you might want to enlist local James Beard-nominated chef Bryan Caswell. He can serve a sophisticated dish of Texas blue crabs and tell the story of catching them in the bayous as a kid and elevating humble ingredients into fine dining—similar to how LeBron elevated himself from his own humble beginnings in Akron to the upper echelon of the NBA.”
The current teammate agreed. "He would appreciate something unique. He'd want to know where it came from, why it's the best this area has to offer. Have the chef build a meal that's a journey."“
Jesus Christ just eat your fucking crabs, hypothetical Lebron. This is the most Lebron move of all time, “Yeah I’ll eat this food but tell me why it’s similar to me and also more important than any other food first.”
"Specifics of said meal would vary," a former teammate says, "but it has to include exclusive items hard to get in the U.S."
It’s with this that I’d like to enter my final, and only, Lebron proposition- Lebron will be taking his talents to Europe where he can fine wine and douche dine with the best of them. Two years in the Euroleague for Lebron to beat up on some scrubs and look out over the Mediterranean as his personal chef who recites Lebron the odyssey by memory as he simultaneously prepares him a feast of endangered oysters that almost made it past the fisherman’s net, but not quite.
If I was an NBA GM, I'd hand Lebron a piece of decent, pretty-good, slightly above average pizza, that was made by a totally run-of-the-mill pizza chef and see what he thinks. I'm talking no fucking caviar, no toppings at all, not even a whiff of any garlic salt, just cheese. If he can't enjoy that then he's not worth the trouble.
