Lizard Vengeance (AKA Hybrid Pythons) Still Out Of Control In Florida: We Present A Solution

Pythons as long as SUV’s are tightening their grip on the Florida Everglades and with no natural predators in the state, the snakes native to Southeast Asia have quickly risen to the top of the food chain. A new study in the journal “Ecology and Evolution” suggests the python problem could slither beyond just the swamp

Full story here.

Well, fuck. This is the last thing I wanted to hear. While I was happy to leave florida to suffer from a well deserved lizard vengeance, I am not as content to learn that this vengeance may extend northwards to northern Florida, Georgia, and then as logic follows, New York City. I’ll give another shout out to the fucking idiot who thought it was a good idea to fill an iguana with arrows, as his actions have now led to the marshlands of the sunshine state being filled with giant SUV-sized pythons that have earned their place at the top of the food chain. I suppose that the blame belongs squarely on your shoulders as well, dear reader, for not spreading word of this blog, or at the very least the news of animal vengeance to stop this fucking schmuck from forgetting that iguanas and pythons, while regarded very differently, are linked as cousins by blood. 

We’ve said it once, but we’ll say it again, it’s time for Florida to release the mongooses, er, mongeese? It’s time to let nature run its course. You’ve got an invasive species wreaking havoc on your ecosystem, general way of life, and white tailed rabbit (bunny) population, you have no choice but to either entirely eradicate this invasive species yourself, or bring in another invasive species to stop them. Sure, it’s not a great solution but desperate times call for desperate measures, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, snakes are the fucking worst, and so on and so forth. 

The downside of this of course is that the problem has gotten so out of hand that it would be unrealistic to expect a standard sized mongoose to be able to handle the workload of taking down a plus sized hybrid python. In that regard, we’ll have to first ship these mongooses up to Wisconsin, have them fed as much as possible and taught to survive in adverse conditions; and then, and only then, unleash them upon the python menace. This will take time, by the calculations of the science guys on my team- we’re going to lose the Carolinas- but hopefully we can stop the python tyranny before it reaches Virginia. Of course, once the imminent threat of having pythons in park slope is curbed, we’ll be faced with the fact that we’ve got way too many giant mongooses running around- there’s no counterargument to this, especially since we’ll have bred these snake-hunters into giant killing machines- but it’s far preferable to hunt a mongoose than a snake. That’s the only argument I have, and the only argument I’ll need.

Here’s A Blog Are You Happy Now, very scared of lizards, and now tasked with saving the entire world. We’re unlikely heroes, but the keyword in “unlikely heroes” is heroes. We’re heroes.