Five Squirrels Get Tied Together By Their Tails: Let's Talk About Squirrels
Five infant squirrels have been rescued after being found tied together by their tails.
The entanglement is thought to have happened by chance with the giant knot forming as the young greys moved about their nest and each other.
Grass, twigs and bits of plastic had also become interwoven into the entanglement.
Full story here.
Thank whatever god, great spirit, or overlord you pray to because the human race has just dodged a massive bullet. Turns out that these dumb squirrels who’d tangled their tails together like a bunch of idiots did it by accident. That’s fine. I don’t care about that; as far as I’m concerned that this is natural selection at its purest. How do you expect a couple of rodents who can’t even avoid getting their tails tied together in an impossible knot to become contributing members of squirrel society? You can’t.
My first instinct was that this was no coincidence, rather the work of a sadistic tail-tier with no regard for the implications of such wanton action. Look people, I’ll get right to it - we can’t afford another animal vengeance tour: especially not a rodent vengeance tour. We can’t afford it from a “do you want to live?” standpoint, and we sure as hell can’t afford it from an economical standpoint either. You think transporting 5,000 mongooses to wisconsin, feeding them enough to triple their size, training them to stop, drop, and roll and then shipping them to the Carolinas to fight hundreds of thousands of giant pythons will be cheap? It won’t be! Thanks Obama!
We’ve got too many animal vengeances on our hands- snake army in Florida avenging their St. Sebastian’d iguana cousin and retroactively General Sherman’s march on Atlanta, sharks eating people in Massachusetts, and bears eating people in Wyoming: we can’t handle another of these.
Can one even fully appreciate the destruction, carnage, and consequent fallout that would result from a rodent vengeance? We live on a city of rats, a literal city of rats; and dare I remind you that our infrastructure can barely withstand the weather, let alone an onslaught of subterranean sewer dwellers. This is not a war we want.
I was also shocked by the reactions to these pictures- just look at these comments. What a bunch of idiots, squirrels are not kind creatures. They’re rodents. They’re killers. They’re dirty, irresponsible with their tails, and desperate for attention. “blah blah blah baby squirrels are cute, chipmunks are cute” Yeah. Yeah they are you losers, but that’s only because other than hideous newborn birds, all baby animals are cute- and all smaller versions of animals are cute. My brother and I once encountered a squirrel trapped in our house. The thing was a savage: size of my forearm, hissing like a disillusioned parliamentarian, and jumping around like a squirrel does. We were heroes so we locked our smaller siblings and four dogs in a small bathroom and went after this thing. I made it out. My brother didn’t. You’re going to need more than some dumb babies that got tangled up to change my mind, you squirrel apologists.
