Tale As Old As Time: I Got Bullied By A Bunch Of Kids On The Train

Little story from my day that, albeit embarrassing, I believe to be incredible important and relevant  in today’s keep-your-head-on-a-swivel society. I’m riding the train today and I catch these two kids looking at me, just fuckin’ snickering in my direction. I’ve never felt so threatened, so emasculated, so put down, at least not since the last time a kid made fun of me.

You know what the problem is? It’s that kids are too fucking cool these days. I mean that seriously. Gone are the days where you could hide the cool stuff from kids. Back in the 90’s and early 2000’s my parents could sense me getting too cool and just like, turn off the internet. That’s why I was a late bloomer. Now the youths have access to all of the cool stuff as fast as us, if not faster. I spend all day on the internet and I feel like kids are still a step ahead of me. They listen to all the cool music, wear all the cool clothes, know the names of all the famous people and the famous people’s dogs, and they’re fucking woke and cool too. I was so flabbergasted when my sister started listing off Chance The Rapper’s hottest tracks and coolest charitable efforts to me that I went full old-white-guy-on-the-lawn and just started shouting, “Well music in the 60’s was cool too!” They’re so with it that their bark is their bite and it stings with the strength of a thousand suns. 

I guess this brings me to my question: can we just fight kids? It would make it so much easier to deal with them. You know? Take ‘em down a notch. What if those kids had given me their snickers and their chuckles this morning and I’d just made them lick a subway pole? Yeah, you want to mess with me, kids? Well here’s a sock full of quarters hitting you the nose! WAPOW! What’s the alternative here? I just suck it up and let these kids bully me into throwing myself on the tracks? I don’t think so. The age old discrepancy between adult and child is long gone- the child, specifically the adolescent, reigns supreme over the social wasteland. In many ways, nay in most ways, this is a positive; but it’s time we leveled the playing field.

I’m sure years from now, this will be taken drastically out of context, or in context, and it will ruin my life; but until that moment I’m changing my ways, I’m fighting for the adolescent oppressed quarter-lifers who have no defender to turn to. Forget a cape, or any superpower of any sort: my functioning will be powered purely by spite and I’ll be identified purely by the fact that I’m the only one throwing haymakers at glorified-children and not apologizing (yet!).