THE Argument Against Using a Watermelon as a Robbery Mask
A pair of melon heads -- yes, actual people with watermelons on their heads -- caused quite a stir after they used watermelons as face masks to allegedly steal from a convenience store in a small Virginia town.
One of the two suspects was arrested on Friday, Police Chief Tom Leary confirmed to CNN. Police are still looking for the second suspect.
I’ll be the first to recognize ingenuity. I appreciate mixing up the norm, whether that’s giving birth in supermarket aisles, putting whales in dumpsters, or using swim toys to a satiate the seemingly insatiable lust of a certain horny dolphin. This is no different. We’re in the era of masks and I realize that your basic ski mask simply won’t cut it anymore. I also refuse to put myself in an ivory tower and talk down to different mask-choices based purely off of aesthetic. I think as long as you’re not wearing a KKK hood you should be fine. Seemed like a low bar. Perhaps not!
Ready for the return of my #favoriteblogphrase…? THAT BEING SAID, there are indubitably better mask choices than a watermelon. Forget juice residue. Forget lack of peripheral vision. Hell, forget the assumed physical risk one takes by shoving their cranium into a fruit. Think only of the fact that in order to operate a watermelon mask with the level of motor skill and comfort, I would argue, absolutely necessary to ROB a store, the watermelon mask would have to fit appropriately, if not perfectly. Which makes me think that this watermelon robber must have an extraordinarily small head. Assuming I am correct and that the aforementioned criminal hadn’t made a previous stop sixteen hours away at the Iowa State Fair to purchase the world’s largest summer fruit, this man’s got a tiny head!
I’ve got nothing against small headed folks, and at most I hold a smidgeon of envy for the fact that I, as a one of the big headed folk, will never be able to fit my head in a fruit. However I will shame this man for ignoring the primary point of wearing a mask, that being to conceal any distinguishing feature. Having a small-ass watermelon head? That’s a distinguishing feature. Maybe I’ve got an eye for the baby-headed people in the world, but I’d see this guy a mile away.
THAT BEING SAID one of these robbers is still on the loose- so we’ve got to acknowledge the possibility that the population of this one Virginia town is particularly small-headed. If that’s the case, then maybe this is brilliant? Have a BBQ, cram my undersized face with watermelon, use the mutilated husk to rob a store, get away with it. Sounds like a solid plan.
