White Sox Dave VS Diego The Sexual Adonis of Tortoises: Who Ya Got?
Friday, I blogged about Diego the tortoise, who over 10 years sired 800 young toitles’. Now when doing the math for this decade long sex speed pitch I calculated that Diego would have to conceive a lil’ Diego every 4.5 days. So we’ll say one turtle every business week. My immediate question was, “do I know anyone who could claim to match this feat?” Of course a few names popped into mind, but only one, who I know by legend alone, made me pause. The question we face here today, dear reader, is could White Sox Dave match Diego’s output of raw sexual energy and offspring? Let’s dive into it.
Look, we’re not just talking can Dave have sex every 4.5 days? We know he can; he’s a horny dude. We’re talking can he CONCEIVE A CHILD? CAN HIS SWIMMERS MAKE IT HOME? As I’m not privy to such information as Dave’s potency, we’ll just have to assume that Dave’s going to have to bang a lot.
Now if we’re going to do this thing, we’re going to do it right. This is an experiment, and there need to be controls in place. Right off the bat we’re going to have some difficulty conducting this experiment across species. Not only do we have to worry about the difference in gestation periods between female tortoises (2.5-4 months) and female humans (9 months), but we’ve also got to worry about the legal, moral, and overall general consequences and implications of assigning Dave consensual sexual partners for childbearing. In fact, to make all of this easier we’re just going to have to pretend that Dave is a tortoise.
Dave, if you’re reading, I’m sure you’re not psyched about that but this science we’re talking about; it’s serious. The question is now, if we put all of Dave’s personality, spunk, lunacy, and certain je ne sais quois into the body of a tortoise, could he best Diego in a contest of sexmanship and child bearing?
Obviously there are other things that have to be taken into account: what was Diego’s diet like? Was more of an emphasis placed on upping his Testosterone and his sexy hormones, or was he just going the raw fuel route, pounding beer and pizza and feeling himself. Well whatever Diego got, serve some of that sexy shit up for Tortoise Dave- and spare no expense.
Next question, did Diego have a sex playlist? Was it designed by him, or was it a team of sexy sex music scientists who put it together on Spotify? Well, whatever Diego got, dial it up double for Dave. I don’t want those scientists to sleep a wink. I want them dreaming of the perfect ratio of Beats per Minute to Dave’s Thrusts per Minute. You can’t forget that Diego had ninety years of sex experience when he started this process, and Dave’s got not-ninety years of experience, so let’s work some overtime and throw our guy a freakin’ bone.
Now that our controlled environment is set, we can dive into the theoretical side of things. Here’s what we know. We know Dave is horny, so horny, the horniest. The man drips sex and shares more genetic makeup with a mammoth-hunting-caveman intent on reproducing for survival than with any of his contemporaries. Point for Dave. Diego’s descended from what? A dinosaur? Little bitches went extinct for a reason!
Ever heard of the human race? Yeah, you have, because they haven’t gone extinct. And nobody, absolutely nobody, can prove that it is not solely due to the efforts of White Sox Dave.
We talked about some of the good, now we’ve got to talk about some of the bad: we know Dave sometimes doesn’t show up. I don’t want to bring up any specifics of Mousegate, or Lightning gate, or Chicago River gate; but Dave has been known to falter on the cusp of the big moment. I’m not saying he does it all the time, because he doesn’t; and we’ll get to moments where Dave has shown up- but we’d be remiss to not acknowledge this somewhat troubled history. Point: Diego. Imagine if Diego had backed down and not had 800 kids in 10 years. He’d probably be dead. All of his tortoise friends would probably be dead. There was absolutely zero margin for error or empty talk.
The element of this whole situation, and White Sox Dave, that complicates things is that there have been times, huge times, where Dave has shown up bigger than ever when everything is on the line.
I know he’s faltered, but let’s get down to business: does Dave ever not show up sexually, especially when the stakes are high? Especially when the rules of Darwin alone say that the entire of species of WSD’s should be extinct, you think he won’t show up? To quote Dave, “Fuck Charles Darwin, that pussy!”
All he needs is Eddie in the corner telling him it can’t be done, that he’ll have an aneurysm, that his heart rate is too high, that Great Tasting Less Filling’s can’t be considered an aphrodisiac, that he’s genuinely worried about his safety... You’re telling me Dave won’t hear this and fuck his way into oblivion?
We’ve got the good, we’ve got the bad, and it’s time for the ugly. The ugly in this is that this job, this duty, it’s not going to be pretty. You think conceiving a young version of yourself every 4.5 days for ten years is all satin sheets, chocolate fondue, and lava lamps? Fuck that. This battle’s won in the trenches. This sexy romp takes place in the mud. The only creature that emerges from this struggle is the one who wakes up in a stupor seven years in and knows they have what it takes to fuck one more time, and then one more time after that, and then once more after that. If you don’t trust the man who was knocked down time and time again by a piece of gum and a case of the shower sweats, but kept on getting up, then who will you trust?
We’ve been asking Dave to exist within the limits of a normal, functioning society for so long- 800 kids is just the first out of many possible consequences for letting Horny Sox Dave out of his cage. If we just allow Dave to roll completely off of his instincts, and let him shirk the heavy chains of societal expectations- who’s to put a limit on what this man can do? Not I!
I know scientifically we’re still years from being able to pull this experiment off. Regardless, I think the battle between WSD: White Sox Dave and WSD: Whole Sexy Diego would be one for the ages; and Dave, if you’re out there, I believe in you.
