Bruce Willis Never Sprays: An Exploration of a Luxurious Bathroom
Demi Moore's bathroom has gone viral and she thinks it's hilarious.
The actress spoke to Seth Meyers on his late night show Tuesday night about the attention she has received and who is responsible for the wall-to-wall brown carpet.
"That originally was a Bruce Willis choice, not to put it off on him," Moore said of her ex-husband's decision to carpet the bathroom of their Idaho home.
She went on to say that it’s not actually odd considering the home is in the mountains and it gets “very cold.”
Full story here.
Look I ultimately don’t care who is responsible for this. Maybe it was Bruce’s idea. Maybe he’s a little weirder than we thought, but let’s be clear: if you hate something that bad, you’d change it. No way Demi sucks up the fact that her bathroom is designed like an orgy den, and then doesn’t change it after the divorce. I know why she didn’t.
She got hooked. She took a couple poops with a soft carpet under her feet and suddenly the downsides didn’t seem so bad. Let me be clear, this is disgusting. It doesn’t matter how comfortable I think it is, it’s just disgusting. Bruce Willis must be the most confident man in the world. I mean I don’t have to walk you through what that little area underneath the bowl looks like- it’s vile. That’s the beautiful thing about a bathroom floor, it’s gross, but you can see the mess and you can clean it up nice and easy. Some may be more punctual than others at it, but when it comes down to it all you need is a clorox wipe and some grit.
No it’s not the most comfortable place in the world. But, we’ve all had our moments where we are grateful for trading for prioritizing the space as an easy place to clean rather than a nice place to sleep. I was grateful for it when I got lost in the dark and pooped on the floor in Steamboat, Colorado. I was even more grateful for it when my friend locked himself in our tiny 3.5ft by 3.5ft half bath and proceeded to shit his brains out while also puking up two bottles of red wine all over the floor and the walls. If that had been carpeted I would have set the whole place on fire.
How long before this goes from a cute, unique idea to a terrible mistake. You know I imagine young Demi Moore and Bruce Willis thought it was the best idea in the world. The master bath. Let’s carpet it. It’s one thing if it’s just the two of your for two weeks but now you throw a couple kids into the mix? Of course they’re going to want to use the master bath. It’s got carpets! They’re stupid kids! I mean this a nightmare! Shit on the floor, that’s a stain. Pee on the floor, that’s a stain. Hiccup while brushing your teeth, that’s a stain. Don’t leave the bath 100% dry, now you got mold. That place might have been nice for a couple weeks, but it is a dump now.
Bruce Willis has to pee sitting down, right? That’s the only way this works. Otherwise he’s just bragging at how good at peeing he is. Every single splatter drives that house’s price further down the market. Make no mistake, Bruce Willis’ dick is his worst enemy in this bathroom; there’s absolutely zero room for error. I respect the move in that he literally cannot miss. That’s like me keeping my suits right next to the pisser, and sitting my toaster right next to the bath.
There’s a reason toasters go in kitchens.
There’s a reason suits go in closets.
There’s a reason that carpets go in the basement of your middle school best friend.
There’s a reason toilets go far away from any of those things.
I love Demi’s response, “well we put rugs in our bathrooms, and it’s COLD in the mountains!” Well yeah you psychopath, we put a nasty rug in there every once in a while, but we don’t fucking carpet it wall to wall. Oh, it’s cold? Does your house not have heat? You have little couches and giant tennis balls, and even more giant clothes pin, but you don’t have one (1) pair of normal size slippers. They better be set on dying in this house, because nobody is buying it.
P.S. Only explanation is Bruce got hooked on curling his toes into the carpet on the set of Die Hard. All they wanted was a reason for John McClane to be shoeless, and look what chaos they wrought.
