If you thought 2020 couldn’t get any more strange, meet Gerald, a tenacious turkey whose aggressive attacks on people have shut down a popular garden in Oakland and terrorized the surrounding Grand Lake neighborhood.

“He was relentless,” one victim posted on Nextdoor, which is filled with both complaints and defenses of Gerald. “My fiance barely warded him off with a stick. People in the park yelled at me to ‘hold my ground.’ He was stalking me, and I swear I was getting flashbacks to the velociraptor scenes in ‘Jurassic Park.’”

The city shut down the park in May and tried to put some space between the turkey and irate residents. It even tried to “retrain” Gerald to stop attacking people. Then in late July, the city, which had finally received permission from the state to trap and relocate Gerald to a less urban part of the area, began trying to trap the troublesome tom. So far, Gerald has shown the abilities of Houdini in escaping any traps, and the park remains closed.

Full story here.

I don’t know if we can connect this to our aforementioned swan vengeance, even if the examples are piling up, I just don’t know. But I know someone, somewhere is responsible for this. This animal didn’t just turn on a whim; this is animal vengeance. No other way to spin it. You’ve got a friendly bird turned menace. A gracious host turned odious predator. A symbol of communal harmony turned metaphor for Anakin’s descent to the dark side. This is what happens when you stop two swans from banging. Maybe the turkey doesn’t know he’s not a swan, or a goose, or a duck. Maybe his loyalty to his bird brothers and sisters stretches far beyond the confines of his own species. Either way, this brilliant, evasive bird caught wind of this love-making-session-interrupted and decided to betray his station. 

Oh I’m so sorry, you enjoyed taking your kids to the park? Tough luck. Some wench in England decided to kick a swan in the head and now your local turkey’s going to eat your babies. Tough to enjoy the Bay Area sunsets when when there’s a giant turducken trying to peck your eyes out. 

So now what do you do? 

Animal Control officers are now trying their hand at grabbing the gobbler, who will be heading to a rather nice place when caught, Dunn said — a wilderness area with lots of other turkeys and no humans. Gerald also has mellowed, Dunn says, although he now has a history as a bully and needs to go.

Oh get the fuck outta here. Gerald’s going to “the farm” isn’t he? You’re going to Ol’ Yeller Gerald you sons of bitches! “A wilderness area with lots of other turkeys and no humans” yeah right you two timing snake! You’re fixing to fit Gerald with two cement shoes! If you’re going really try to bring on bird vengeance at least be honest about it! 

Watch this movie, Gerald. Watch this, and learn from it.