Ex-Trump Advisor Calls Papadopoulos a "Coffee Boy", and This Coffee Boy Resents the Implication

Washington (CNN)- Former Trump campaign adviser Michael Caputo downplayed George Papadopoulos' role in the 2016 campaign, calling him a volunteer "coffee boy" -- despite the fact that then-candidate Donald Trump called him an "excellent guy" last year.

“He was the coffee boy," Caputo said. "You might have called him a foreign policy analyst, but if he was going to wear a wire, all we would have known now is whether he prefers a caramel macchiato over a regular American coffee in conversations with his barista."

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*STANDS UP ON SOAP BOX*

Oh so you think that just because I’m focusing so hard on whether to put soy milk or full creamer in your green mountain blend, that I’m too busy to learn the details of your dumb scandal?

Let me tell you how it is. You don’t write-off the coffee boys and girls of America. You fear us. You respect us. You trust us. You put us to the task when you need us the most. We’re the Seal Team 6 of grunt work, the Spetznaz of Splenda.

And the best part is, you give us this power.I was once a coffee boy in an office with a Keurig, and I was obsolete. But bring me to an office with no Keurig, with one dusty coffee pot in the corner- untouched since Office Manager Fred, that fucking idiot, tried to cook up cider in it two holiday parties ago. You bring me to that office, where there is no Keurig, where there is no hope of rejuvenation or of recovery, where there is no today and no definitely no tomorrow without ME. You let ME get your hopes up, you let ME convince you that all be well after a cup of half-caf almond cappuccino with a shot of sugar free vanilla syrup; and when I disappoint you, when I fail you in my mission, the beautiful world that you’ve built upon the feeble foundations of wooden coffee stirrers crumbles to the ground in a roar of fractured potential and devastated screams.

You trust us with it all. You befriend us so we remember your order above all others. You treat us not just as children, but your children, because you hope that, god forbid if we’re spitting in coffees, we’re not spitting in yours. You let us in, because we hold the key to your success.

So do not underestimate the power of the coffee boy and girl, because we may live in the corners of the office, surviving off the crumbs of lemon scones and the last dredges of unclaimed chai lattes- but we are many, and we are powerful. If you’ve forgotten all of this, then you’re likely going to prison, and I’ve likely been jizzing in your joe.