Building A Second Titanic Is Why Rich People Should Be Stopped

(CNN) — Don't book your tickets for the Titanic II just yet.

A spokesman for Australian tycoon Clive Palmer told the Belfast Telegraph that the project to bring an exact replica of the original ill-fated ship has been pushed back from 2016 to 2018.

The new ship will be practically identical to the original luxury liner, which famously sank in April 1912 after striking an iceberg on its maiden voyage.

The only difference will be that the Titanic II will be wider, have a welded and not riveted hull, and have more lifeboats.

Hard to see how this could go wrong!

What’s the point here? Is getting a Titanic ship to make it across the Atlantic without sinking supposed to count as a victory? Because I think the fact that we now design ships with enough lifeboats to not leave thousands of people to die counts as a pretty big win in and of itself. You are a psycho if you step foot on this boat. Getting on the Titanic, that was big deal: largest steam ship of its time, “unsinkable”, rich people up top, poor people down below, that was all pretty exciting stuff for folks back then. Now? Now we fly places, guys. Boats aren’t that cool anymore. Again, being unsinkable isn’t a neat thing, it’s just expected. When boats go down, we don’t blame icebergs, we fucking arrest people.

So anybody who gets on the Titanic II is asking for disaster. Same thing goes for everybody who buys tickets for the Lusitania II, or Hindenburg the sequel. These names live in infamy for a reason. So yes, go ahead and keep pushing back the grand unveiling of your second, better Titanic. Keep on pushing it back until you realize what a terrible idea it is. The first one was a total bust, and nobody’s asking for seconds.