Man Places His Penis On Girl's Hand On D Train (fuck you and your temptation to scream "sweet pun")
NEW YORK (CBSNewYork) — Police were searching Tuesday night for a man who placed his genitals into a teenage girl’s hand while on the subway on the Upper West Side late last month. Police said around 8:20 a.m. Monday, Oct. 30, the 17-year-old was on a southbound D Train near the 81st Street-Museum of Natural History stop when the man placed his exposed penis into her right hand.
Oh well that’s not great. This is obviously super gross and disturbing on a bunch of levels. You’ve already got a full plate in terms of not touching anything gross on the subway, and that’s without some gross douchebag plopping his wiener in your underage mitts. Also 8:20 AM?! What psycho is doing this at 8 AM! Very few worse starts to the day, it’s not like you’ve even started it. You wake up, eat breakfast, and already the subway and it’s fucked up inhabitants are ruining everything.
It’s also just, dicks are gross. Like, there are few grosser things than just suddenly having a penis on you. We went on these long training trips in college, and I remember one night sitting with all of the guys watching some March Madness. I feel a presence looming over me and I suddenly realize that there’s a plain penis resting on my shoulder. Such began the game: dick shoulder. Dick shoulder was a game that awarded points for putting your dick on a teammate's shoulder, and was the dumbest thing I’ve ever been loosely associated with. “Loosely associated” in this case means I refused to “dick shoulder” anybody but got “dick shouldered” fairly often. It was all fucked up.
Anyway, while I can’t appreciate much of what comes with being a female walking the streets of New York, dealing with the cat calls, the uncomfortable stares, the unwanted attention, and other countless examples of toxic masculinity; I can relate to having an unwanted, plain penis placed on your hand. It’s, to grossly simplify it, really not good.
