FDA Says That Uncooked Flour May Have E. Coli In It, And I Say The FDA Can Go Fuck Themselves
(CNN)Think twice before licking that spoon as you prepare cake batter or cookie dough for holiday treats. Salmonella from raw eggs is no longer the only concern in baking.
You pick the holiday season to point out that uncooked flour has E. coli in it? What the fuck is wrong with you?
You could tell me that the raw cookie dough in front of me had razor blades in it and I’d still lick the goddamn bowl clean.
When I was a kid celebrating birthdays with my sibling and cousins, my grandma would make us “fudge pie”- which was basically just a gooey brownie in a pan based off some ancient Betty Crocker recipe. Fucking delicious. Anyway everybody in the family would get some fudge pie, but the birthday kid would get a bowl of the fudge pie dough. This was the greatest honor in our household in those days. If you had the raw dough, you were king or queen. Other kids in the family would pay you to be able to taste that batter. And let me be absolutely clear when I say that nothing, not even threat of death, was going to stand in the way of eating that dough.
I just can’t believe the audacity of bringing this up now. This is the season of baked goods. The time of year where nobody cares about what they look like because they’re wearing seven layers anyway. The two-month long hiatus from reality where you eat all of your feelings and then make room for some more. Are you trying to ruin the holidays for everyone? Fuck you! This must just be the FDA realizing that people aren’t scared of salmonella any more. These are no longer the days where you can just throw out a term and people will assume they will die from it because there’s no such thing as medicine. I legitimately thought salmonella was a death sentence for many years, and now I realize I’d been had! So NICE TRY, FDA. You can tell me I’ll get plague from the stuff, but I’ll still be begging mom for a spoonful of that dough.
P.S. Greatest moment of adulthood is realizing that cookie dough is something you can make any time you want, and the simultaneous realization that it’s the best tool at your disposal to enslave your future children. I had a college friend whose parents convinced him that bacon was some type of hard-to-prepare delicacy. I guess they wanted to leverage it into some kind of treat or bargaining chip. Broke our hearts to explain to him that bacon cooks itself.