Hamburg Pilots Show Amazing Precision In Drawing Xmas Tree: Amazing Self-Control In Not Drawing Dick

(CNN)An Airbus plane out of Hamburg, Germany, took a particularly festive flight on Wednesday, mapping out an intricate Christmas tree over the country that could be clearly seen on flight radar sites.

There are a few things to admire here: One, that the capacity for finding new and creative ways to show holiday cheer is clearly boundless. Two, that Airbus employs some incredibly precise test pilots. Look at how round the ornaments turned out! We're getting a little dizzy thinking about it.

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I mean, this is impressive stuff. I feel like 99 times out of 100 this ends in a pixelated wiener outline, a public apology, and possibly a severance package. People are talking about how precise and round the ornaments are, and we could just as easily have been talking about how precise and round those balls are! I think maybe this would have gone down differently anywhere else but Germany, those guys are rule followers. If I see a dick drawn in the sky, the last person I’m accusing is the German pilot. That being said, I feel like with all those rules the Germans could get a little freaky. Imagine you’re a German test pilot and you and your pals are trying to dream up what design to draw up in the sky. TRY AND CONVINCE ME A DICK WOULDN’T CROSS YOUR MIND. It’s easy, it’s imprecise, and it’s universally “appreciated”.

I worked a nine month stint as a barista when I first moved to New York, and had to work on developing a little bit of a latte art game. What’s a staple of the latte art game? The heart. People love getting hearts in their lattes, maybe because it makes them think that there’s less a chance that you spit in their drink. What many people don’t know about latte art is that if you fuck up making a heart, it 99% of the time comes out as a dick. And I don’t mean a blurry-maybe-could-be-interpreted-as-a-dick dick, I mean a crystal clear dick and balls.

There are a few times where it’s great to put a dick (a latte art dick you animals) in someone’s drink, like when you make a drink for a friend! There are however, many more times where it’s a terrible idea to put a dick in someone’s drink. In fact, any time you see your barista look into your cup and then frantically stir it up, I’d wager that they’re trying to hide their phallic magnum opus from your gaze. Sure some people loved it, but most of the time, they did not. We had a little counter that people could look over when you were making a drink, and man, there was nothing worse than some parent hoisting their kid up when they saw you were trying to make a heart, only to shield their eyes when you unintentionally fangooled yourself into an anatomy lesson.

Dick art is a great tool to have, but it comes with great responsibility. So here’s a hat tip to our Airbus test pilots, because you looked at a blank canvas and drew a Christmas tree instead of a dick, and your lives are probably better for it. Heavy lies the crown.