When I decided midday to catch a matinee of The Shape Of Water, I thought I was in for a quiet and tranquil afternoon at the movies. It was only upon entering the movie theater that I noticed there were more than a dozen moms with very, very little babies in their arms. Now, I’m not criticizing new moms’ clubs, but I am hypothetically criticizing movie theaters as a meeting place for them. In fact, I think it could be the worst meeting place for them. Now to those of you who say, “Well, Keegan, actually, a new moms’ club meeting at an 8:30PM showing of The Shape Of Water would probably be worse than a 1:50PM showing” I retort, “That opinion sucks, and is wrong, because I was not at the 8:30PM showing, I was at the 1:50PM matinee and therefore, that’s the worst meeting place.”

I then discovered that it wasn’t actually a new moms’ club meeting, rather it was just the day of the week where kids under five-years-old are allowed in. An employee asked me whether I’d been made aware of the Tuesday rules and when I responded, “No”, he responded “Uh oh”, and that’s never a good sign. He offered me a refund, but I denied because I’m lazy, was already at the movie theater, and hate all conflict. So there I sat, alone except for a theater’s worth of humanoids that only knew how to express themselves with guttural cries. The movie ruled.

I’m understand that having a baby can be really not fun. You can’t do any fun things anymore, and you have this vomiting, burping, ill-behaved bag of organs basically attached to your hip at all times. I’m all for special Tuesdays at the movie theater where it’s basically said up front, “Anything goes! Just try to keep your kid from shitting on anything!” But The Shape Of Water? Is that the wisest movie to bring your infant to? Spoiler alert: it’s about a sea monster! Second spoiler alert: it’s about a lady trying to have sex with a sea monster! Freud would have a fucking field day with this.

If parents believe that making your baby listen to Baby Einstein or Mozart or any of that other shit will make them a genius, then they’ve also got to believe that showing them some shit like this movie will make them a psychopath. All Giullermo Del Toro movies should be off limits, and that shouldn’t be surprising to anyone. We should all be on the same page on this one.

I guess you either fall into one of two camps. Either you believe that everything that your baby hears and sees is seared into their brains forever, or you believe that their brains are gelatin, and nothing’s going to stick for a few years! I have to believe that most of the parents in the theater today fell into the latter camp, and that’s totally fine; but mark my words, your kids are all going to be turned on by seaweed and that's on you!