"47 Meters Down" Sucks And Here's How I'd React In That Situation

As was brought up on today’s podcast, I think it’s time to talk a little about the worst movie I’ve seen this week, aka 47 Meters Down. This movie sucks, it’s stupid, I don’t understand it, it’s not fun, the plot blows, it plays directly into my worst fears of all time, and I’m tired of it. However, watching and thinking about this film reminded me of something I relearn about myself every time I watch a horror movie.

The plot of 47 Meters Down is as follows: couple of gals are on a trip to Mexico and they decide to go on a discount shark cage diving trip. I don’t want to get into the whole plot because it’s so unbelievably stupid, but these ladies get in the cage, have fun for all of five minutes before it plummets to the ocean floor and they find themselves surrounded by great white sharks and facing a depleting oxygen supply: so basically all of my worst nightmares, aka sharks, water, and girls, are packaged into one dumb, 85 minute straight-to-DVD movie.

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The real point of this, as I mentioned before, is the thought that crossed my mind when I watched this film, and every other one like it: I would not survive a minute in a horror movie. I mean, to be fair I guess it depends on the situation, but for the most part I’m a dead man. Not necessarily because I’d get killed immediately, but because I’m just a coward. Take this film for instance, if I’m trapped in this cage I’m taking off my mask immediately and breathing seawater. Sorry friend! You want to make it out by fighting sharks and the bends and all that other shit? Be my guest, but I’m taking the easy way out this go around.  Maybe that’ll change if I ever have responsibility, family, or anything at all to care about, but right now in blog life it’s just not worth the effort and trauma to make it out of a situation like that. Same thing goes for haunted house. I’m just not making it out. I’m finding a big ass splinter and putting it through my neck. There are some things I’ll fight my way out of, and many, many more that I will not.