This Sappy As Shit Mardi Gras Love Story That Isn’t A Love Story Is Ridiculous: A Word Of Advice From "The Don John" Of Not Talking To Girls At Bars
NEW ORLEANS – A rider in the Krewe of Hermes captured a young woman’s heart when he threw her some beads last weekend, and now she’s looking for her Mardi Gras missed connection.
Capri Guarisco posted her unique love story in Tulane Classifieds, a public Facebook group where members can look for apartments, jobs, missing phones, or love.
Sparks began to fly when “one of the float riders pointed to me and gave me some wing ears and I told him that I loved him,” Guarisco wrote in her post.
The budding love story was cut short when the floats began to roll again, but then fate intervened in Guarisco’s favor.
The float carrying the mystery rider stopped again “and he was like ‘you love me?’ and then me motioned for me to come to him so I crossed the barricade and went to him and he gave me some more things,” she wrote.
Guarisco said she asked the rider if he lived on the North Shore, and he said he lived on the South Shore, and she told him the North Shore could be fun too, “and then the float started to move again and I think I wanna marry this guy.”
For now though, the mystery remains, and Guarisco is still searching for her lost love and a happy ending to what may be the greatest Mardi Gras love story of 2018.
Full story here.
"Greatest Mardi Gras Love story of 2018" my ass. Oh you went to a parade, got hammered, and fell in love with someone you’ve never seen before! How fucking original! Welcome to every night I go to a bar. Pardon me while I rewrite every single one of my The Notebook fan fiction drafts so that I can feature you and your parade float loser as the main characters. Congratulations on this fucking snooze fest. This is classic people-don’t-usually-interact-with-you-and-when-they-do-you-fall-in-love material: trust me, I’m king of it. Chances are if we've made eye contact at a bar that I've spent an hour and a half plotting how to talk to you, planned out our first 3 dates, maybe made a pros vs cons list of fall weddings, and then inevitably fallen asleep eating a spicy chicken cutlet sandwich off my chest to try and forget about you.
I get it! Put a couple of drinks in ol' Keegs and he’ll fall in love with just about anybody, especially if they’re nice to him. Enter BARTENDER- someone who is paid to be nice to you. Who else am I supposed to talk to at a bar? Look, I’m not trying to take anything away from your experience, your truth, or any of that other shit: I’m just saying that this never ends well. I base that off my experience of getting drunk and asking out bartenders, which tends to have a success rate of rare to never. This terrible habit started for me about 4 years ago when I actually had a nice conversation with a bartender and I thought things were going well (it was my first time talking to a girl so I’m not sure how accurately I was reading the situation) but from that point on I was like “Oh bartenders: very fun to talk to and will at least pretend to be your friend for 3 hours.” This all peaked during a post-college stay in Austin where I lived with a friend for a month after graduating. This all came to a rough climax when a bartender told me that we couldn’t exchange numbers because she wasn’t allowed to give hers out to customers and I believed her. Not a great look for this guy. Look, I’m not trying to take anything away from your experience, your truth, or any of that other shit: I’m just saying that this never ends well. I base that off my experience of getting drunk and asking out bartenders, which tends to have a success rate of rare to never.
Moral of the story: I’m an idiot who’s been in this situation many a time, and therefore I’m the foremost authority on the subject. You had a good time, I won’t argue with that- but this is not going to work out, honey.
The fact that you said, “I love you” and he replied, “You love me?” probably says it all! Maybe something was left out of this transcript, but you don't have to be a genius to realize that this is less the meeting of two star-crossed lovers and more a couple pretty inebriated people trying to figure out where they live! I can’t believe this is fucking news. Another drunk person saw an attractive person and tried to make it happen, only to never see them again because they have nothing in common other than a desire to get fucked up- ground breaking stuff. You've got to be better than using the fucking news to chase down a lost connection like this.
P.S. Completely unrelated, if anyone knows a bartender named Tracy in Austin: she and I had something, and if anybody knows where she is please tell her I'll always be waiting for her. Also, definitely don't show her this blog.
