This Movie Is Selling Itself Fully On The Cuteness Of Baby Pandas And I DON'T HATE IT

So yes, I am aware that this movie has a “plot” From what I can gather it’s basically teaching these bears to procreate and extend the life of their species: seems a little bit like putting them in a procreating box, but if it means we get more pandas then I’m all for it. Let’s be honest though, 2% of people are going to see this for the plot: tops. The other 98-99% are going because, newsflash, pandas. That’s the fucking title, and that’s what you’re fucking getting. Pandas are cute as shit. This whole “plot” thing is just a convenient excuse to go and watch an hour and a half of hi-definition Youtube clips. It can be tough to go to a museum and tell someone you’re going to go watch a bunch of cute panda videos, and it makes you seem way smarter to say something like, “oh yeah it’s this incredible project where they bring this panda to New Hampshire to try and remind it how to act in the wild.” It’s kind, considerate, and from a sales standpoint, brilliant that they did this.

Let’s be honest, this is basically just a highlight reel of pandas that’s going to be shown in iMax. I paid attention to Kristen Bell’s voice for all of like two seconds before I was fully zoning her out and focusing purely on panda. Panda is all I need. I rewound the trailer four or five times just to hear the panda squeak when it knocked over that barrel of leaves: silly baby panda you. I wish this documentary had some volume control settings where you could set the narrator’s voice to 0 and the panda noises to 99. That’s nothing against you Kristen Bell, for you have a lovely voice: it’s just, well, pandas. Less Forgetting Sarah Marshall and more Forgetting The Sound Of Sarah Marshall’s Voice While I Focus On Cute Bear-Dogs. That’s the dream.