Official Analysis Of Prince Harry And Meghan Markle's Choice Of Wedding Cake: Lame Or Not?

London (CNN) Prince Harry and Meghan Markle revealed who will make the cake for their May 19 wedding.

The honor has fallen to pastry chef Claire Ptak, who was raised in California and now owns London-based bakery Violet Cakes, Kensington Palace announced Tuesday.

According to the palace, the couple asked Ptak to make a "lemon elderflower cake that will incorporate the bright flavours of spring" rather than the more traditional fruitcake. It will also feature buttercream and fresh flowers as decoration.

Full story here.

Breaking news on the wedding with the lamest, most disappointing royal proposal of all time, we’ve got an official cake choice. The engaged royal couple have chosen their cake to be a lemon elderflower cake. Now my first thought was that lemon is delicious. I’m a sucker for both lemon flavored things and cake, so seems like I’d eat this shit up. Then I realized that lemon’s on 50% of the name in a lemon elderflower cake, and I have no idea whether it tastes like that 50% or the elderflower 50%. Needless to say, my research didn’t turn up much, but here are a few interesting snippets I found:

“Elderflowers can be "floral and fragrant, subtle yet heady," the Independentdescribes. Chef Jamie Oliver describes their scent as "distinctly musky and sweet." But not all elderflowers taste the same. The Guardian points out that "Black Beauty" elder shrubs, which produce champagne-pink flowers, have a "pronounced muscat grape-meets-lychee" flavor.”

“Elderflower extract is often used to make medicine, according to Web MD. It's often used to treat swollen sinuses, colds, the flu, bronchitis, diabetes, and constipation. The Gale Encyclopedia of Alternative Medicine suggests that mucilage (fluid from plant roots) in the flower can help soothe inflammation, and that elderberry cordial may induce sweating, making it a fitting home remedy for fevers, according to Livestrong.com.” (full description here.)

So basically you’ve got a cake that cures constipation, makes you sweat, and tastes like I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck-what. Great. So while I'm wary of lauding this choice by the not so romantically-royal royal couple, I also just learned that the traditional royal wedding cake is a fruit cake. Fruit cake. Bar none, fruit cake is the lamest cake in the fucking world. It is the dumbest tradition. It is the nastiest shit I’ve ever put on my tongue. Keep your raisins, your nuts, your other assorted fruits, and any other weird stuff that was considered desert in 1950 out of my cake. Doesn’t matter how much frosting and wedding fondant you slap on that garbage, it’s still a garbage fruit cake. This is an example of a tradition that’s gotta die with the Queen right? I know that’s terrible to say, but it’s for sure true. They still stomach this nasty ass cake to make her feel good, and as soon as she croaks they’re gonna go straight black forest.

As long as she draws breath however, fruit cake reigns supreme. So, unfortunately, by comparison with a fruit cake, a lemon elderflower cake is cool. It may be the only cake in the world, nay in the history of yeast, that is less cool than lemon elderflower cake, but fruit cake sucks and there’s no way around it. There you have it, Prince Harry’s wedding cake choice doesn’t suck as royally as his proposal did. However, I will note for the reader that Prince William had a “groom’s cake” that was just made out of cookies. A cookie cake. That’s sick. Even just having something called a “groom’s cake” is cool, let alone the fact that the thing is made out of goddamn delectable baked treats. So there you have it, Prince Harry’s cake choice isn’t lame, but it’s lamer than Prince William’s. Sucker.

William's cake: