Bunch Of Tight Assed Baboons Escaped From A Research Facility And It Seemed WAY Too Easy
(CNN) Four baboons, having clearly read too much dystopian fiction, escaped a biomedical research lab in San Antonio by climbing a 55-gallon barrel and jumping out of their enclosure.
The Texas Biomedical Research Institute described the escape as an "animal perimeter breach incident," which, in all fairness to the primates, sounds pretty dystopian-fiction-y, so maybe they were onto something.
According to a news release from the TBRI, four baboons upended a large blue barrel (provided to the baboons as an "enrichment tool") and used it to climb out of their circular, open-air housing structure on Saturday.
Full story here.
I'm not thrilled about testing horrible diseases on monkeys but if we're going to do it then we've got to make escaping harder than this. Like, what did they even have to do? Roll over a barrel and climb out of a window? That's too easy! Monkeys are way smarter than us! I also bet they're way better at doing things like: rolling barrels over and climbing out windows. I mean come on, everybody knows that if you hand a monkey a barrel, you might as well be handing them a ladder and a key. These aren’t just monkeys we’re talking about. These are baboons, the most cunning ape. So cunning and such tight, purple asses. We don’t spend enough time talking about how tight a baboon’s ass is. Maybe we do. Didn't anybody watch planet of the apes? I feel like that’s a terrific warning video to every research facility that still uses monkeys out there. Even if they're not going to take over the world, they're still going to give a bunch of kids polio and shit. Clearly I was in the wrong, but I’ve apparently been way too trusting of how are government handles these things. I mean this is amateur level supervision. Before you hand a captive being a toy – you always think, “can this being escape with this toy?” If they can, you don’t give it to them. It’s really quite simple. If this escape had happened in a movie, everybody would have been all like, “Nah, nah, don’t buy it - never woulda happened. Those guards were too dumb. Not believable at all.” Except it did just happen. Look I’ll say it again, I’d rather not use monkeys as test animals, but if we are I definitely don’t want to give those monkeys an opportunity for revenge. Especially not those tight assed baboons.
