Prom Committee Gets Fuckin' Drunk: Decides It's A Good Idea To Bring A Caged Tiger To Prom
This is all fun and games until Mr. Owens, the Social Studies teacher, gets a bit too liberal with his pocket flash and a little bit too audacious on the dance floor and knocks this cage over. If that happens the tiger eats everybody. Tiger + flashing lights + stress drunk kids = bad. Actually, tiger + drunk kids = bad. This is a terrible idea, and I expected better from Miami. This whole time Florida’s been going down the shitter and Miami has been the undying light of hope. Well now we’re losing Miami too. 305, this is the kind of judgement that’s put the rest of Florida in our “no-go” zone. This isn’t just bad judgement, this is garbage judgement. Sure this ended up being fine and all, but what was the point? The first and most important objective of event planning is just don’t literally walk into the next premise of a disaster movie. In fact, every decision should start with the question, “could they make a movie about this if it went wrong?” The answer to this case would be, “yes,” and, “they already have.” Guys, they do this in Vice Principals and every other movie about a circus gone wrong, and one lesson has emerged above all others: the tiger always wins.
Best case scenario- these kids are going to be on this tiger’s shit list for the rest of their lives. This big cat is traumatized. Imagine if you just got put in a cage and wheeled through a jungle themed prom. You’d be fucked up for life, and you’d want payback. If you’re one of these students, you can’t go to a zoo, ever. Thirty years from now, a couple of these high school sweethearts will be at the zoo, checking out the tiger pit with their kid, thinking they’re the perfect love story- when really they’re just in the tiger version of Kill Bill. Your movie ended when you brought Shere Khan to your prom, and Shere Khan’s movie began.
What the fuck is this prom anyway? We’ve got fire dancers, and tigers all up in this cirque du soleil reenactment. Whatever happened to just renting out a hotel conference room, hanging ribbons and shit, providing just enough chaperoning so that the parents couldn’t sue you when their kid went down with alcohol poisoning, and god forbid, maybe a decent DJ? When did that not become enough? This is what happens when the prom committee gets too much money. You give the prom committee two hundred dollars and they’ll throw and 80’s themed banger, but you hand them any more than $500 and they start getting into some real rich people shit. First we’ve got caged tigers and fire dancers, that’s always how it starts, but soon they’ll have dwarves and poor people kicking the shit out of each other. Pray for Miami.
