Another Criminal Gets Stuck In A Chimney: Example 909878 Of Why Criminals Should Not Go Down Chimneys
CHICAGO (CBS) — A man trying to elude police got himself in a tight spot.
James Thompson, 32, somehow got onto the roof of a building near 115th Street and Indiana and got stuck in a chimney.
Emergency responders had to drill into the bricks to free him.
Full story here.
it’s been a while since we’ve said this- if you’re a criminal, the worst way to get away, ever, is by trying to fit through a chimney. It never works. If you can fit in a chimney, you know it already. It's one of those cool party tricks that should be talked in about in the same sense as someone who's double jointed. You're never going to be able to bend your fingers like Tim - you're just going to break your fingers. Similarly, there’s no growth mindset when it comes to fitting in chimneys, if you suck at it, you suck at it forever. If you are a criminal, or ever find yourself in a criminal situation looking at a chimney, you’ve just got to know that it’s not your best option. There’s always a better option than the chimney. Always. As the people’s blogger, I’ll be the first to tell you when I see a news headline that reads, “Miracle man comfortably and safely escapes police by way of chimney.” Until then, we’ve got to cut this out of the conversation.
In fact, I’d say we should start talking about chimneys in a more positive light, as they are far and away the best way to get arrested. Let’s change our tone. Sure they’re absolutely terrible options for getting away, but look at how good they are for getting caught! With the help of a chimney, you can be totally immobile, stuck up to your chin in a stone death trap, chest tightening as the claustrophobia and threat of suffocation sink in, and be otherwise perfectly packaged for police extraction. There's no way to go for a gun when you can't move your arms, turn your head, or even breath! Truth be told, as hard as I have to think to think of a dumber fucking idea than trying to escape by pulling an old St. Nick, it's just as difficult to improve upon "the fat chimney sweep" as a way to end your crime days once and for all. We're on to something.
