White Guy Busts Successful Move, Then Accidentally Shoots Someone
(CNN) An FBI agent's backflip at a club looked pretty impressive -- until he lost his gun and accidentally shot someone.
Video of the off-duty agent showed him unleashing a torrent of dance moves at a Denver bar early Saturday before launching into a back handspring.
But midflip, his weapon flew out from his waistband holster.
The agent lunged for his gun but accidentally fired it as he was picking it back up, Denver police said.
Full story here.
Look I’m always going to root for a white guy busting a move on a dance floor. The odds are so stacked against you it’s unrealistic to expect any outcome other than absolute and total defeat. Dear white man busting a move on the dance floor, you were born with a fondness for swinging those hips but an absolute ignorance of the rhythm that should drive them. God gave you two arms but no ability to do anything but swing them blindly like a Mr. Inflatable Balloon Man. That is, until we meet Mr. Off-Duty FBI agent here. We are, for the sake of this argument, going to ignore the fact that this takes place in Denver, CO, which is basically the mecca for dancing white people. So ignoring the fact that the United States government created Colorado to give white people a safe space unapologetically dance in, this guy went to work.
He had the full dance circle going. All eyes on him. He was, if you will, in his aristeia. Aristeia is a term from greek mythology in which a greek hero would enter battle with the power of the gods on his side. Basically, this hero, with the help of the gods, would mow down enemy soldiers like an immortal and achieve his peak level of glory- often the aristeia would wear out while the hero was in the middle of enemy lines, and therefore very few heroes managed to survive their aristeia.
Now that you unlearned sheeple understand what aristeia means, you can also understand why I only use that term in contemporary context to describe white guys busting a move. I myself experienced my white guy dancing aristeia not too many months ago across with a broadway dancer in a dark, crowded Steelers bar on the west side of Manhattan. As with our story in question, I had all odds stacked against me- I was facing an unfamiliar playlist, in a weird bar, across from the most extraordinary dancer I’d every shared a room with, and yet I found a way to simultaneously teach myself and execute and extraordinarily complicated interpretive ballet routine that would put me in the hospital if I tried to recreate it. I escaped that experience with my life, but unfortunately not with my glasses, which I mid-aristeia flung across the room and never saw again.
Case in point, you never escape your aristeia unscathed. Let’s bring it back to our FBI friend. This guy has gone from dance floor mediocrity to belle of the ball in a matter of seconds. He’s busting new moves, classic moves, made-up moves, spaghetti arm moves, and ultimately it doesn’t matter where the move comes from, because it looks damn good. In this moment of the time, this guy is the best dancer in Denver, Colorado, and therefore all of Colorado. Then he goes for the most insane move of all, a back flip. I don’t know if I’d ever recommend back flipping on a dance floor, because while best case scenario you land a backflip, it also feels like you’re doubling the odds against you. You’re gonna land the backflip, step on a puddle of beer and eat shit. Everybody’s going to look at you and say, “who the fuck is that guy and why did he do a backflip?” This would a classic way for a white guy dancing aristeia to end.
Alas, this guy lands the backflip and, in a stunning turn of events, finds the only way more fitting to end a white guy aristeia than eating shit, which, of course, is shooting somebody. I can’t think of a more white person way to ruin a good dance than to shoot some poor motherfucker ordering a guinness. I don’t need to dive into the irony of beating the white odds via dance off only to play directly into the odds by capping somebody with your service weapon.
