Let’s just jump right in.

A woman in Spain found a dead (!) tortoise (?!) in her vagina (!!!!!), and she has no idea where it came from (asdfdggjk), The Sun reports.

The understandably unnamed British woman, who lives on the island of Tenerife in Spain, went to the El Mojon hospital recently complaining of severe pain in her genitals. According to the local newspaper El Día, upon examining her, doctors discovered a dead tortoise in her vagina, which had resulted in a serious infection.

Full story here.

Look I don’t really know how to introduce this story other than a lady found a turtle in her vagina and it’s not great. It’s not great if she put it there, and obviously even less great if somebody else put it there. I don’t know any the details about how this went down, and it sounds like the list of people that do is pretty short. All I know is that turtles don’t belong in vaginas. Any time you find an animal near your nether regions its bad news. I casually write that as if it’s an every day occurrence to find some fauna navigating the precarious regions of your genitals: it’s not. It should never be.

The stakes immediately become so much higher.  As scared as I am of any animal normally, I’m five times as scared naked. You’ve got to be a real champion of mind and spirit to hang out with animals naked. That’s a whole new level of trust-fall. This brings me back to the overarching, albeit subtle, narrative of this blog: keep animals away from your junk. Best case scenario you’ve got an animal near your junk, slightly worse case scenario you’ve got a very awkward doctor’s appointment and an infection, absolute worst case scenario you no longer have any junk. 

I’m like PETA for people. If PETA wants us to keep chlorflourocarbons out of turtle’s drinking water, then I want to keep turtle’s away from both lady and man parts. Do you have a friend who puts animals near their junk? Intervene. Tell them it’s bad news. Do you have friends who think it’d be funny to put an animal near someone else’s junk? Find new friends, and kill your old ones. Friends don’t let friends who put turtles near other friends’ vaginas go unpunished. I know these are strict rules, but I feel like they should be easy to follow. Thoughts and prayers to this young woman’s vagina, and death to all vagina-dwelling turtles.