Londoner Hates Romance, Kicks Sexing Swans: A Tragic Play by Play
Here’s the full video of the incident in question.
Onto the analysis.
Right off the bat we’re making it clear in this video that we don’t want swans fucking. I’m sorry, making love. How dare you make them take their coitus on the run? Remember that whole Diego story? Tortoise, sexual god, puts the whole species on his back and has 800 kids in a decade? That’s all well and good but we can’t have that become the norm! MJ could put up 40 but they still needed Kukoc to show up every once in a while. We need the normal animals to continue to bang as usual, people. Alright? Diegos don’t just grow on trees and the only one we know about needs a rest.
Hell, that’s only the scientific argument in which I’ve removed all bias and emotion. What are these lovebirds doing to you, lady? Squawking too loud? Making the fucking London canal too dirty? Just walk away. I’ve got no room in my heart for people who tread on romance like this. Which leads us to our next play.
Here he is. If there’s a hero in this video, this is him. Look, I know that might be surprising. I typically love to see authority get its ass kicked online as much as anybody. However, in this case, I’m going much more with my real-life attitude, in which I bow down and kiss the feet of authority because it scares and intimidates me. However, my motivations to hoist this man up upon my shoulders is not just tied to the fact that he’s yelling at people for breaking the rules, it’s because he’s defending love. I don’t know this guy’s story; maybe he lives by the canal and these swans represent the natural ecosystem he sees every day. Maybe he’s boys with one of these swans and he hates to see his buddy get kicked right before he seals the deal. Maybe he’s a pervert who loves to watch swans bang, and coincidentally, in a strange twist of fate, becomes the hero in this incredibly specific and isolated instance. Regardless of his motives, he’s got a huge stick. I don’t know whether that’s a stick for walking, in which case this guy’s either a hardo or crippled (I lean former based off of wardrobe and gait), or it’s a stick for picking up trash and this guy really cares about this canal and these swans. Either way, this unknown crusader for Swan Sexual Rights steps up and, I imagine, places the whole crowd under Her Majesty’s Citizen’s Arrest.
Unfortunately, it does not end well for our hero. This guy in a turquoise shirt and backwards hat, which I will note is a well known outfit of complete and utter scumbags, apparently really hates swans having sex. Got to give him credit for maintaining solid power on his shove while wearing flip flops and having such feeble moral character. That being said this is a cheap shot of all cheap shots, so can we really give him any credit? This brings me to my next note, which is the guy who always tries to shove someone into a pool out of nowhere is the worst. The worst. That guy may exist at the very bottom of regular person power rankings: down there with the guy who never takes his hand out of the popcorn bucket and the guy who kills ants with a magnifying glass. I admit this is a sore subject for me.
Onto our last frames. The situation is wrapping itself up. Our swan-kicker has run off to pour acid on a young couple about to have their first kiss, and our canal-pusher has hopped on his sick scooter and is probably off to vandalize a synagogue. Meanwhile our tragic hero is still in the water. There are number of ways to handle getting shoved into a canal like that, and we can observe that this fellow is firmly in the “own it” camp. I respect that move, use it myself. The trick is to make it look like you don’t mind being in the water. Like it was the plan all along. I probably would have acted like I was dead!
To you readers out there that are curious about this technique, you can pull it off with anything! My personal favorite is after falling down. The trick is you just sit there for a minute. Take a load off the legs. Check the phone for missed texts. Make people think you just sat down in the middle of the sidewalk. That’s what our guy is doing in the canal. Sure his chances of getting the plague are going up by a 1000% a minute but he’s owning it like a champ. It’s a hot day, great time for a swim! Like the saying goes: if life hands you lemons, find a couple swans having sex and squeeze it in their eyes, you psychopaths.
