Citizen Abandons Potatoes for 3 Months, Is Shocked When They Become An Alien: A Lesson In The Bachelor's School of Pantry Management

Donna Porée, 22, who fled her apartment in March to stay with her boyfriend during quarantine, abandoned a roughly $3 bag of potatoes – a move that ended up spawning a very strange (and a little scary) sight once she returned in June, The Sun reported.

“As I opened the front door, I noticed a strange shape at the back of the kitchen,” she said to The Sun. “As the light was off and shutters down, I didn’t realize it was the potatoes. It was only after opening the shutters that I took note of this extraordinary sight.'“

Full story here.

Oh whoop ty fuckin doo, we get it. You’ve never wasted a vegetable in your life. Thanks for slamming your gigantic throbbing penis on the table while my unassuming meat cowers beneath my overly tight quarantine-Levi’s and thinks back on all the root vegetables forgotten in the back of a pantry.

Look if you were classically trained in the Bachelor’s School of Pantry Management, then this has happened to you. One of the guiding principals of this method is that you never throw anything out until you’re completely out of room. Until then, you just push the older stuff back with the newer stuff. That way you get the empties in the back, the full guys in the front. Worst case if you run out of a new item, surprise, you’ve got an old one waiting to substitute. The flaw with this method is sometimes innocent food items get caught in the crossfire. 

First of all, this requires a dark- not one of those new age open air shelf systems where the entire fucking world can see how many cheeze-its you stock up on. I’m talking a dungeon. I’m talking your food doesn’t see the light of the day until you say it does. That’s how you operate a bachelor pantry. It’s not without its flaws. Things get lost in the darkness. You stumble upon groceries three months later that you don’t even remember buying, they’ve been in the shadows so long.

You’re also not trying to spend too much time in there. Call it the darkness, call it the overwhelming shame you feel for organizing your life like that- the pantry is not a place to “hang out” or “look around” or “ take inventory of ingredients”. The pantry’s for snatch and grabs only. You get in, you get out, you get busy doing literally anything else in your life. Have a light switch in your pantry? You don’t need it. What are you going to do, turn it into a half bath? If natural light or an iPhone flashlight isn’t enough for you to find what you need in the dank hole that is your food storage (dank hole in the ground is more cost effective)- than you’re not cut out for bachelor pantry school.

The point is: the vegetables are a necessary casualty of this chosen lifestyle. Lady, your nightmare is our everyday routine. You get used to the fact that the vegetables come out a little different than they looked going in. That’s just part of the aging process. Are we heroes? No. We’ve just done this long enough to know that this terrible, amusing, newsworthy experience for you, is just every third Tuesday of the month for us.