My Mom Chose These Two Flavors of Salt Water Taffy and I Need to Know if She’s Okay
Now obviously there’s a million flavors of salt water taffy, and everybody’s got their own favorites but these have to be the two most unoriginal choices in the history of choices. There’s a million fucking flavors of salt water taffy. I don’t know whether you go with watermelon, a berry variant, a malt chocolate, maybe a piña colada if you’re feeling crazy; but to choose peppermint and hot cinnamon is an insult to every scientist who spent their life slaving away in the salt water taffy flavor factory. They didn’t spend days away from their families, sleeping on dirty mattresses in the corner, teeth falling out of their heads from excessive taste testing and insufficient dental care, scraping together pennies for the greater good, trying to find the perfect amount of chewiness, all for you to get your fucking cinnamon fix, mom. It’s bullshit.
If I stretch my imagination to the very limits of its comprehensive abilities, I could maybe, maybe, see someone getting a peppermint flavor as a complimentary palette cleanser, or to appease a family member who has a palette that was burned in acid and no longer functions to even 25% of its original ability. However, in my opinion the Big Red hot cinnamon flavor doesn’t belong on planet earth. We should be using it for jewelry varnish, or to strip barnacles off of boats, and nothing else. I know there are people that disagree- Big Red soda exists. But let me be clear, if you drink Big Red soda, I’m making sweeping, wild, and crazy-unflattering generalizations about you. I won’t be caught buying Big Red soda unless I’m dissolving a body in my bathtub. The only place Big Red flavoring belonged was in the first few years of the Fireball. A ragtag team of scientists realized that even whiskey with Big Red flavoring would taste better than cheap whiskey without it.
How could his have happened? My mom is a candy connoisseur. I learned everything I knew about candy from her. Is she slipping? Do I need to contact a doctor? Stage an intervention? Is she being held at gunpoint under my nose, and using this INSANE purchase as a cry for help?
There’s always the possibility that the store was just out of other flavors, but she could have taken that five dollars and used it to start a forest fire and it would have been a more tasteful use of money.
Either she thought it was cherry or I’m moving out.
