I Called It Again: We've Got Goat Vengeance And It's To Put Some Fucking Respect On My Name

A curious goat hopped into a Georgia patrol car last week — to munch on documents, spill a drink and eventually head-butt a cop to the ground. It was all captured on bodycam footage.

The Douglas County Sheriff’s Office shared the video on Facebook. According to the post, an on-duty sheriff's deputy, who remains unidentified, was serving civil papers at the time of the encounter.

Full story here.

How many times do I have to write it into existence before you start taking me seriously? How many times do the animals have to take vengeance before people stop taking my voice for granted?

For those of you that missed it, last week a couple kids broke into a petting zoo and rode a pet goat around. I warned all of you what would happen. I sang the sad song of what happens when you abuse the very saddest of animals. What do we have now? A goat breaks into a police car, starts eating all the tickets, paperwork, warrants, everything. The police officer tries to stop the goat, and gets HEADBUTTED to the ground. Now some of you may believe that this goat was just a delinquent, a hater of the law, an agent of chaos. When’s the last time you heard about a goat assaulting an officer of the peace? 

Now the police department was all shits and giggles after this, I’m sure trying to save face and play this off like a petting zoo misadventure of their own- but I know there’s something far more sinister at work. This is a huge escalation. They’re going right for the power. Here I as thinking maybe they’d start with an elementary school kid, start small with the ones who trust too much. But no, they go right for the cops! 

I’m writing this blog to one, warn you, but two, to stake my claim. It’s time I earned some fucking respect around here. I am the king of calling animal vengeance. Nobody else is doing it. Nobody but me. It’s my thing. I wish I could share the crown, but I can’t- because the crown won’t share me. So go on with your lives, confused when goats do their best Zinzan Zidane impression, baffled when the geese march on Washington, then St. Louis, then Miami, incredulous when the great python epidemic stops being news in Florida and starts being news in Delaware. It’s one thing if it’s one or two blogs, but it’s not. Forget ON, like it or not, I have my finger IN the pulse of animal vengeance. I know when they strike, and most importantly I know why they strike. Keep on with your lives, I’ll keep shouting out our dire predicament into the empty vacuum of the internet, and maybe, just maybe, they’ll find it in their little, rage filled hearts to spare me.